Thoughts.. Rants.. Raves..

Search This Blog

Sunday, November 18, 2007

i'm leaving..

i'm leaving my fantasy behind. i'm gonna move on. he's my true fantasy. the last of my knights. it's hard to even think about it. but this bottle of liquor would help. it would rob off my feelings for him. for mikail.

i'm not hoping that things would be better after this. it won't. he's a big part of me. he's worth more than those ex-bfs i've had. mikail's one of the few special people i've known. he's one of the few sweetest people i've been with.

i'm leaving it all. not because it's over. it's because no matter how hard i'd pray, it wouldn't even start. he came just to teach me. he isn't there to stay with me. this is the only sane thought i could come up right now. leave while i still can because...

if i'd stay, i'd loose my sanity... i'd be empty.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

i'm back

the depression's out. i'm back. the same old me. laughing and giggling. lying to myself that i am happy. anyway, i am on a crossroad path. one leads to a whole new different world, the other a mere continuation of a path i'm currently threading... i've made my choice. then the only thing missing is...

Sunday, November 11, 2007

shoutouts 2

got a new tattoo that would mark a new beginning... a new path. wherever that road will take me, i'll go. no holding back... no regrets.

-*-

can a thousand letters drown the hurt that comes with leaving? does not telling all synonymous to lying? i am losing time...

-*-

no more wishing for things to change. i'd just accept whatever it is that's been given to me...

-*-

wouldn't be so sure of the feelings governing our soul. it's just a moment of insanity. once reality sets in, we'd both be taking different directions...

-*-

thOUght ReaChing amBitioNs woULd bRing me joy.. so, whY doeS it hURt? jUst wheN i thoUght i haVe maNy fRiends, why aRe theRe faKeS? iF hoLdiNg thaT spaRkLe meaNt Losing a Lot, why Not Let go?

-*-

tRieD to See IF SoMeoNe wilL caTCh me. No ONe did. I haD hoPED he'LL be WaiTInG beLow, buT i feLt the haRd coNCRete. he'S jUSt meANT to maKe me FeeL stupiD. CRazy. DreaMY. Now That He's GoNe, I haVe to piCK uP the bRoken pieces of my Sanity.

--***--

uSed to ThiNk i'M SaNE... bUT FaLLiNg maDe Me cRazY.
uSeD to STOP and SmeLL the RoSes... nOW i cRUsh theM coZ they pRiCk
uSed to SiNG mY heaRT oUT, but Now I'm LooKiNg foR My ReqUiem

question

WiLL yoU danCe my ReQUiem wiTh mE?
w!ll yOu CaSt my sPeLLs wiTh Me?
aRe YoU weAK enOUGH to cRy in LaugHTeR?
aRe You sTRoNg enouGH to sLash yoUR wRist aNd tasTe thE waRm LiQUid oF DeFeaT?

one liners...

losing sanity is the greatest experience of all... falling in love? the biggest downer!

-*-

if meLanCholy coULd fUeL my wiLL to LiVe foR the NexT daY, theN i woULdn't haVe to Look for SomeOnE who'D giVe me StRengtH...

-*-

tRieD to See IF SoMeoNe wilL caTCh me. No ONe did. I haD hoPED he'LL be WaiTInG beLow, buT i feLt the haRd coNCRete when i FelL. he'S jUSt meANT to maKe me FeeL stupiD. CRazy. DreaMY. Now That He's GoNe, I haVe to piCK uP the bRoken pieces of my Sanity.

-*-

why can't you just fall at the perfect place to the right person? why do you have to fall for someone who'd just give you pain and make you feel so demn stupid?

-*-

if things were different, you'd be here with me. if things were better, i wouldn't have to cast a spell. the moon would show exactly where you should go.. you should've been here. beside me..

-*-

why is it hard to look for another path where there's no need to prove one's self to be of significance to their environment?

-*-

i'm not looking for any spark that would make me feel flickers of emotion but would rob off my sanity...

-*-

wanna meet someone who's willing to willing to walk with me in my chosen path..
he who can guide me out of this mess...

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

a ghra

i heard a shot that broke the silence of the night. i even tried to look back. i tried to look at his direction as i felt warm liquid dripping down my back. i tried to reach it and saw red liquid in my fingers. i was shot. he fired the gun aimed at my heart.

he sat beside me as my legs gave in to the pain. he caressed my head, brushing my hair with his fingers. he's muttering incoherent words. he's stammering...

i closed my eyes and i saw our story... how we met... how we ended up together. i saw his betrayal. i saw myself crying. despite of all the hurt he'd caused me, i was still hoping we could work things out.

"sagapo, a ghra..." he whispered. i opened my eyes and saw the truth. only, this new hurt he'd inflicted is something i just can't laugh off.

"i'm sorry...", his last words sounded empty as i closed my eyes for the last time and gave away the final breath of life...

depression strikes back..

i'm not normal. at least not in the full sense of that word. i hide what i feel. i act tough. but my insides would always crumble. i want a lot of things but those i need confuse me. i don't know what to feel anymore. i don't know if there's something else missing or if i should be content.

when depression strikes, i don't know what to think of. a lot of thing's racing in my mind. material thoughts, intellectual gains, emotional needs. i want to read a lot of books, visit a lot of sites, write about millions of things. i don't know what i should prioritize as i seem to want to do a lot of things at the same time. focus is divided, attention to each scarce.

and then, there's this thought:

if i'm finally able to do all those stuffs, would i be content? or will i just lock it inside a chest, and look for another thing to pursue?

all these thoughts confuse me and make me want to retreat in my cocoon. it's depressing to see a lot of talents wasted. it's depressing to know you've done many but still not enough to satisfy your own thirst.

this quest started years ago. i'm still nowhere near the middle. i am still given a lot of different paths where i should thread. where to start or which path to choose, i'm not so sure... =(

not supposed to...

i'm not supposed to feel anything. i've played deaf to my own screams. i've been blind to things that i need. i'm not supposed to wait coz it's been years since it's gone. i'm not supposed to cry coz i'll just feel helpless. i'm not supposed to fall for you coz that would be the perfect failure...

sigh...

things would always be different. there won't be any miracles... not now. not even tomorrow. everyday's just a weak struggle to stay standing. and i'm getting too weak... too weak to even think of what should be done. too weak to even hope for something better. yep, this may be despair speaking. but when hope has abandoned a soul, who's left to make it strong?

manhid na...

di ako takot magmahal. wala ring kaso sa akin kahit masaktan. iba kasi yung pananaw ko sa love. feeling ko, i'm not loving that person enough if i'm not getting hurt by him. tipong i equate love with pain. weird noh? pero mentality ko kasi is more on the extremities. mula sa favorite stuff, hanggang sa mga bagay na nakaka-fascinate sa akin.

so there, ngayon, i'm here at this point where i know i've moved on. nakalimot na ako sa past ko, nakabitaw na ako. nakaahon na rin ako. so why is it na hindi ako ma-fall? di naman sa pagmamayabang o kung ano pa man... pero there are times na gusto kong mahulog na dun sa isang taong nangungulet, yun nga lang, hindi ko magawa.

bukod dun, wala naman akong maipipintas pero heto't binasted ko pa.. nakakaaliw noh? and wala man lang akong feeling na regret. or kahit na awa dun sa taong yun kasi alam kong nasaktan ko siya sa mga sinabi ko para tigilan na niya ako, wala pa ring epekto.

manhid na ba tlga ako? o bumalik lang yung pagiging cynical ko?

mumble

you promised to sing for me, i've waited for you 24/7

i wanna hear your voice

i wanna feel the baritone melody bring me to peace

you promised you'd stay, i've believed you til today

your coldness silenced my scream;

your goodbye made me sleep with tears...

heart vs. mind

i'm okay... that's what i kept telling myself. but a sudden thought from time to time would always make me long for him.

demn this heart who doesn't think... why can't the mind just dictate what the heart should feel? why does the heart keep on hoping and holding on when the mind's screaming of letting go?

i'm now saying that i'm moving on... will this be just a distant resolution to pull myself from this mess i'm in?

where's sanity?

i needed something. a spark. a glow. something that would make me insane. sanity's been making me think. think more than what i could. i'm feeling less. i'm acting less. i keep myself from being humane.

where's sanity? was it with every clear thought? was it in every coherent word? was it through concrete actions that warrants results?

if that's sanity, then i want to be insane. i wanted to fall in a dreamy fashion. i want to blabber about someone who's making me feel special. i want to do crazy things without thinking of what will happen next.

i want to be sane but insanity's what i need... can't someone just fall without being so wrap up with questions of what if's and what's next?

in the middle

i don't know what to think. i don't know what to feel. i'm here at the middle, unable to decide. unable to climb up coz i don't know if i wanted to fall.

i guess i'm still afraid. i guess there's still unresolved items that i just buried deep down, without facing. i still think about the pain. i've kept the walls high enough so no one could enter.

i felt like a coward, hiding inside my own self. afraid to show what i feel. afraid to show my weakness. i feel strong with each of my masks. i have strength with each mask hiding my being full of bruises and wounds...

My First Tattoo

I wanted to change... Not for someone better, not to be worse. I just want to let go of the old me. Be more free... First step I did, I had a tattoo imprinted on my lower back. The design? An ambigram of Raye, the name I wanted to be known. Why an ambigram of that name? I wanna be an example. I wanna be different. Different in the sense that I am what you see inside-out. Much like an ambigram which looks the same way whether you're looking at it from below, or from above.

So there, I finally had it. Last Saturday, I asked my college friend to accompany me to the artist's shop. I've anticipated pain. I've prepared myself for it. What I didn't know is that I'd actually rejoice in the feel of the needle's movement against my skin. It didn't hurt. It actually tickled.

Now, I wanted to look for a new design. Perhaps a portrait. Or an image. I could see in my mind how I wanted that new design look like. A fairy seated on a big rock beside a lake. With the moon's reflection on the lake. I still can't figure out how I'm gonna put some fire in that image. I wanted the new tattoo to reflect me, fiery waters...

Monday, November 5, 2007

shout out

i hid in the shadows of pain when he left me

i tried to see the light but he wouldn't let me

now, i'm here by myself, abused and cold..

alone in the streets of my cruel world.

rain, rainbow, and my pot of gold

i often hear people say that there's always a rainbow after the rain. some even claim say that there's a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow. rain... rainbow... a pot of gold... nice story... and i guess i'm one of those who believed that.

i used to find myself facing rainy days. rain used to drown me. raindrops used to be salty. as far as i can remember, i am always drowning in the rain. then it happened.

one rainy day, i found myself alone, thinking of things that should've never crossed my mind. everything was planned. everything's in order. but unexpectedly, things changed. my planned death became an accident... the rainbow after my rain...

i met him in that freak accident. then we started seeing each other. unlike me, he was laughter and gaiety. my lips that used to frown finally smiled. and its all because of him... my pot of gold at the end of the rainbow...

rain became sweet because of him. rain became nothing but remnants of the pain. my pot of gold helped me through the rain. he thought me things that i still keep with me. he was like a shadow, always in the dark but ready to be out in the open, to fight my battles for me.

now, my pot of gold has found the rainbow's other end. and i know, he'll be waiting for me... up there in the heavens.

Sunday, November 4, 2007

ayoko nang

ayoko nang makarinig
puro mga sumbat lang naman e
maramot at bihira ang papuri

ayoko nang makakita
wala na kasing maganda
lahat para sa akin ay pangit na

ayoko nang magsalita
nakakasakit lang daw ako e
masakit kasi malaman ang totoo

ayoko nang mangarap
mahirap mabigo at umasa
mahirap umahon kapag bumagsak na

ayoko nang mag-isip
puro na lang daw kasi utak.
di daw ba pwedeng puso naman?

ayokong mahulog ulet
nakakailang hulog na ba kasi ako?
sa lahat ng iyon, wla namang sumalo

pinaka-ayokong gawin ngayon...
makaramdam ng kahit anong damdamin
mas mabuti nang manhid kesa iyakin!

mumble...

'neath the thunder & the pourin rain
i could hear my cry of agony & pain
inspite of the bright lights surrounding me
i'm still in the shadows with nothin to see
this deafening silence makes me writhe
it makes me gasp for air, lose my breath

one thing im sure of

i drink a lot
i smoke too much
i do crazy things

one thing i'm sure of
i hate falling.

i'm too proud to beg
too selfish to share
i'm simply complicated

one thing i'm sure of
i hate crying.

i'd lie rather than be sincere
coz these pain's too shattering
hear me blabber about what i feel

coz there's only one thing i'm sure of
i've had enough of this!

for him who caused me pain

i've been stupid when i've let you dominate my fantasy
i've been crazy when i believed you'd stay

now i'm awake, thanks to the pain you've caused
the wounds have healed, the hurt have ceased

sanity has come back, reality's right here...

again.

-------------------------------------------------------
end of latest update...
-------------------------------------------------------


i used to think that i can take anything that would come my way...
but then, i've stumbled on you along the darkest path i took.
you made me fall, made a few wrong choices, then left me alone.

have been mending this broken sanity...
heck, you made me become what i am now.
don't blame me for the outcome.
blame yourself. you're the cause.

as i continue taking this path i chose,
remind me not to pick up the pieces you've left
i'd rather be broken... i'd rather feel the pain...
coz wen i'm broken, i'm wiser.

-------------------------------------------------------
end of first entry...
-------------------------------------------------------

my current state

been through a lot of helluva fights
hanged on for long, have decided to let go
felt the wonderful feeling of falling
and felt how it was to hit the ground

bones may be broken, but it'd heal
my body would endure the agony of pain
but my soul's a mess, i'm broken into pieces
my emotions the perfect victim

physical pleasure, emotional gamble
tiny things made my heart flutter
big things made my soul bleed
my being, just another empty shell

oh demn!

a little furious. way too tired.
guess what's brewing in this li'l bad mind.
ought to have a break,
things are freaking me out.
i'm such a nervous wreck!
needed peace... tranquility.
wtf! let it rain! let it pour!
don't wanna give a demn.
im just tired, and a li'l frustrated.
needed to rest, but still workin'.
still loving though im hurting.
sheesh, did u get me?
should i stop? should i start?
should i leave? or should i mend?
should i run away? or act brave?
confusing, isn't it?
hell, this feeling is so demn confusing.

reposted - originally created December 4 2005

walang titulo...

sabi mo sa akin, may oras para sa lahat ng bagay. siguro nga, meron. pero 'di mo ba naisip na ang oras tumatakbo? nawawala... sa paglipas nito, nakakalimot ang tao.

matagal na kitang hinihintay. matagal na akong nasa ere mag-isa. at aaminin ko sa'yo, naisip ko nang bumitaw.

alam kong hindi ako ang priority mo. alam kong marami ka pang gustong marating... magawa... minsan tuloy naisip ko, ganun lang ba talaga kaliit ang halaga ko sa'yo?

may oras para sa lahat ng bagay. siguro nga. pero ngayon, ang oras mo'y lipas na. tapos na ang oras para hintayin kang isali ako sa mundong ginagalawan mo.

ngayon oras ko nang humanap ng ikaliligaya ko.

2005, reposted - originally created November 5

my curse?

i've always been afraid to love. and often, id tell them that i'm too afraid to get hurt... hell, whatta lie to cover something that started 6 years ago...

to start with, at that time, i'm with this guy. i'll just call him roy (he's the reason why i'm called raye... eheheh). he's nice and sweet. and i wouldn't mind telling you that well, i almost thought that he'd be the one... yep, the one. but a sudden twist came unexpectedly. he had an accident which took his life instantly. that's dead bf #1, who died october 24..

then, almost 4 years ago, i had another guy... sweet, funny, serious when needed. he's the only one my friends approve of... but then, he died. on another accident, with me. i know i wrote about him on one of my journals... the one titled "3 taon". that's his story. that's for nathan... dead bf #2, dead on the 25th of december.

and as for dead bf #3, well, he died june 26th this year. and hey, another accident. he died on his way to meet me... his mom hated me coz dhie's the only child she had. oh, she's also a widow. so, she's got no one left with her. how she hated me, blamed me for what happened to her son...

at the office, i told my colleagues to call me jynx. that's the way i felt back then. i'm jinxed... i even thought that i was cursed. maybe i am. maybe not. but then, who am i to know? ayt?

as days fly by quickly, i know i'd be in their tombs... on the date of their death, talking to them, as if they're still beside me...

**************************

whew, i wanted to write something serious, but it ended sorta funny. hehe... guess i'll always think of 'em seriously but talk about them in a funny way...


reposted - originally created October 5 2005

his gift

i felt pain.
i felt it in his words
he injured me with his actions
he hurt me with his thoughts
he gave me wounds.
he inflicted my being with burns
he gave me a gift id rather not get
he gave me pain.
yes, pain...
the kind that leaves you in agony
the kind which takes years to heal
pain which marks your being with a scar.


reposted - originally created September 6 2005

Me and My Athame

Since I was a child, I feared the sight of blood. And the mere smell of it makes me feel ill. Earlier, I tried facing my fear. Call me insane... or losing my wits, but that's the only way I thought could take my fear of blood.

So there, I took the athame Dhie gave me. And without thinking twice, I slashed my thigh with it. Slowly, blood trickled down my legs. I know I’m beginning to faint when I started to feel the warm blood coursing down.

I was about to do it again when my hand lost its grip of the athame. My attempt to kill my fear proved pointless. Coz at the last minute, of doing what could've been the extreme, I found myself quitting.

Now, I’m left with a wound to heal. The sudden rush of pain is as thrilling as speeding your way on a highway in a motorbike, without any helmet. The warmth brought by the blood is almost the same as the coolness of wind at faster pace.

Heck, come to think of it, I just missed cutting myself to release the tensions... the fears... I would have surpassed that ordeal. I know that for sure, only if I haven't seen my blood ooze out of my body.


reposted - originally created August 8 2005

isang bukas...

nakita kita kanina... masaya, nakangiti... ewan ko kung bakit, pero tila may kurot sa aking damdamin. parang masakit sa akin ang makita kang masaya.

sinubukan kong lumayo sa'yo. sinubukan kong sundin ang ipinayo mo. nakakapagtaka, kahit anong landas man ang piliin ko... ikaw palagi ang nasa dulo.

nung una, sinubukan kong ayusin pa ang gusot. nung una tayong magtagpo pagkatapos nating magkalayo, kinausap pa kita. nilingon mo lang ako, nginitian. pagkatapos, nawala kang muli. hindi na kita hinabol dahil alam ko, sariwa pa rin ang sugat na iniwan ng kahapon.

mahirap palang ibalik ang nakaraan. napatunayan ko yun nung ilang beses din tayong nagkita... nag-usap... nag-iwasan... sadyang matagal maghilom ang sugat na iniwan sa puso.

ngayong muli kitang nakita, hindi na ako lalapit sa'yo. hindi ko na susubukang muling ibalik ang kahapon. sabi mo nga, nakalipas na iyon. bukas... yun ang meron ako...

tama ka. meron akong bukas... hindi ko na dapat ibalik ang kahapong lumipas na. dapat ko nang harapin ang bukas... isang kinabukasang wala ka...

reposted - originally created May 14 2005

21 years, and almost two weeks

different thoughts broke the silence of my senses while i was smoking. i was trying to clear my mind of things that's been haunting me for the past years of my existence... but my efforts were lost when that thought crossed my mind.

i have been living my life for 21 years, and almost two weeks... and was there anything i've done that i could be proud of? heck, i tried to force myself to smile when i suddenly thought of that stupid question...

honestly, i have tried to plan things for myself. but my plans were nothing but whimsical dreams i have woven for myself to believe in. plans which were mere reasons for me to stay in this mortal realm where pain is more likely to be felt.

yep... pain. the kind of pain that shatters the soul... the inner being that lies deep beneath a person. the same pain that has taught me to be what i am right now.

21 years and pain still fuels my will to stand up and never give up. all for the hope that one day, i wouldn't feel it. thinking that i could get numb of it.

who would have thought that at this point, i am at the brink of losing my grip of reality? all those years, i was able to fool people around me. i was able to let them see that i was happy... that i was smiling. they didn't know that those smiles were nothing but masks that is pasted to make others believe that i'm okay. those who were able to see behind that mask left me for according to them... i am "melancholy" in its mortal form...

that's enough. i couldn't just go on and bare myself to you. you know me enough to see that these thoughts would lead to another set of questions, realisms, and hopes that would or might fuel my existence for the coming year...

besides, i still need to light another cigarette...

2005, reposted - originally created March 19

lipas na..

kanina naisipan kong ayusin lahat ng mga notebook ko... inisa isa kong tingnan kung ano sa mga istoryang nasa isipan ko ang tapos na at hindi... isa-isa, binasa ko... isa-isa, inaalala ko yung dahilan, rason, para kanino, at para saan yung mga sinulat ko...

madami dami na rin akong nabasa nung mabaling ang tingin ko sa isang gawa ko na nilaan ko para sa kanya. oo... sa kanya... sa kanya na naging dahilan ko upang muling maging isang tanga. oo tanga. nakakatuwa, di ba?

heto un...:

***********************

tulala. nag-iisip. ganyan ako madalas. ikaw kasi e. bigla kang dumating. gusto kong isisi sa'yo lahat. gusto kong magalit sa'yo. sa totoo lang, ang dami kong gustong sabihin sa'yo. 'yun nga lang, hindi ko alam kung san ako magsisimula.

simulan ko kaya sa gitna? sa dulo? ay... di pa pala pwede. dahil hanggang ngayon, wala pang dulo. wala pang nararating na iba...

magulo, di ba? ganyan naman kasi tayo eh. magulo. sobrang gulo. nagsimula pero hindi umuusad. nung una, inisip kong "taking time is the right thing to do". nung una, masaya ako. nung una, naaaliw ako... nung una lang yun. matagal na rin tayong ganito eh. nagsasawa na rin ako. 'yung pagkaaliw ko, napalitan ng pagka-inip. 'yung kasiyahan ko, napalitan ng pagka-asar.

alam mo, naguguluhan na ako. nalilito na ako. di ko na alam ang gagawin ko. alam ko kasi, mahal na kita. alam ko ring para sa akin, importante ka... di ko lang alam kung hanggang kailan. ramdam ko kasing malapit na ako sa dulo. malapit na akong bumitaw...

oo, bumitaw. pakiramdam ko kasi, pagdating sa'yo, daig ko pa ang nakabitin sa isang matarik na bangin.

***********************

hanggang diyan lang nagawa ko. hindi ko na nagawang tapusin. bumitaw na kasi ako. napagod na ako sa kakahintay... mahirap atang mahulog ng walang sumasalo. mahirap kumapit ng walang kinakapitan...

ang nagawa kong yun ay pruweba na lamang ng isang lipas na damdaming di na nagawang suklian... :(

reposted - originally created March 5 2005

anibersaryo

ang liwanag ng buwan, di ba? at ang langit, punong-puno ng bituin... agad kong hinanap 'yung polaris... yung bituin natin. pakiramdam ko tuloy, nandun akong muli sa unang gabing kasama kita dito sa lugar natin...

gaya noon, maliwanag din ang langit. bilog ang buwan at ang daming bituin. sinubukan nating bilangin ang mga yun... at para di tayo malito, iginuhit mo pa ang langit. minamarkahan mo yun sa bawat bituin makita natin...

natatandaan ko noon, kandila lang ang ilaw natin. sabi mo, nakaka-relax ang mga scented candles... kaya hindi ito pwedeng mawala pag magkasama tayo... parang kulang ang mundo natin pag wala ang init at liwanag na mula sa knaila.

ang sayang alalahanin ng nakaraan no? matagal-tagal na rin eh... matagal-tagal ka na ring hindi sumusulat sa akin... tatlong taon na simula ng matanggap ko ang huling sulat mo...

ngayon, nandito akong muli sa lugar natin. inayos kong lahat. sinigurado kong kumpleto ang dala ko.. kumot, pagkaing gusto mo, mga kandila... at ang ilang sulat ko para sa'yo..

pagkatapos kumain ay iginuhit ko ang langit.. iginuhit ko ito sa paraang gusto mo... sa paraan kung paano mo ito iguhit... kaunti na lang, magagawa ko na rin ito ng maayos. ilang taon na lang, maiguguhit ko na ang langit ng tulad sa gawa mo...

may mga sulat pala ako pa sa'yo. gusto kong basahin mo lahat... medyo mahaba at madami, pero alam kong babasahin mong lahat ito at iintindihin...

'wag kang mag-alala... malayo ka man sa akin, alam kong mababasa mo ang mga sulat kong para sa'yo. ayan... sinusunog ko na ang huli. itinuro mo ito sa akin, di ba? sabi mo, kapag malayo ang padadalhan ko ng sulat, sunugin ko na lang ito...

tapos ko ng sunugin ang mga sulat ko para sa'yo... ang usok ang siyang mgahahatid ng mensahe ko... natanggap mo na ba? nabasa mo na ba??? sana narating ng mga usok na yun ang langit na kinalalagyan mo...

oo nga pala, happy 3rd anniversary... hihintayin ko ang sagot mo...

sa panaginip ko...

reposted - originally created December 26 2004

tatlong taon

nandito akong muli sa lugar natin... alam mo, wala itong ipinagbago. ganun pa rin ang paligid. tahimik... maaliwalas... at higit sa lahat... andun pa rin yung mga palatandaang iniwan natin.

natatandaan mo ba nung unang punta natin dito? muntik na kong mahulog nun dahil nadulas ako. buti na lang, mabilis ka. nahawakan mo ko at hinila pataas. kahit yakap mo na ako, matindi pa rin ang kaba ko. malakas pa rin ang kabog ng dibdib ko. sabi mo pa nga, kulang na lang eh umiyak ako. hindi ko kasi magawang kalmahin ang sarili ko eh...

naaalala mo rin ba yung unang gabi nating dalawa? dun din tayo, di ba? sinorpresa mo pa nga ako eh... dahil sa takot, maingat kong inakyat yung lugar natin. at pagdating sa taas, bumungad sa akin yung nilatag mong kumot, mga pagkaing gusto ko... mga kandila at tulips... inaya mo kong kumain. at pagkakain, magkatabi tayong nahiga.

alam mo, hindi ko makakalimutan yung gabing yun. andun tayo sa bubong ng bahay nyo... magkatabi... at parang mga batang naglalaro sa liwanag ng buwan. tinuro mo sa akin ang polaris... ang orion... itinuro mo rin sa akin yung iba pang constellations na nakikita sa langit...

sa lugar na ito, marami akong natutunan... dito din tayo nagbitaw ng pangako sa isa't isa. di ko makakalimutan yun... hanggang ngayon kasi, tumutupad pa rin ako sa mga pangako ko sa'yo... kaya lang...

bakit mo ko iniwan? bakit mo kinalimutan yung pangako mo? bakit ka umalis? bakit hindi mo ko hinintay?

alam kong masaya ka na ngayon. naiinis ako kasi pakiramdam ko, hindi mo man lang ako inisip... hindi mo ba alam na nasaktan ako sa pag-alis mo? alam mo bang hanggang ngayon, nananatili ako sa kahapon? hindi ko magawang harapin ang bukas dahil alipin pa rin ako ng nakalipas. wala akong magawa kundi ang alalahanin ka... ang isipin ka... ang balik-balikan ang lugar natin...

tatlong taon na ang lumipas... ikaw pa rin ang gusto kong makasama. magpapasko na. anibersaryo na naman... magta-tatlong taon na simula ng iwan mo ako... ikatlong pasko ko na 'tong wala ka sa tabi ko... tatlong taon na simula ng kunin ka ng Diyos sa akin... sa araw mismo ng pasko...

reposted - originally created December 23 2004

This Christmas

It’s all the same… the three, the lights, the decorations… Even the yuletide carols sung by the children are the same. The tune of a sad Christmas song filled my room… It’s ironic that I get to hear that song now. On this time of the year… it’s Christmas… Why be sad?

Then I remembered… I can’t be in glee with the whole world. How am I supposed to be happy when sadness fills my heart?

I stood up and opened the bottom drawer of my closet. There, I found the box containing my mementos and letters… lots of letter… I skimmed through them and a clover leaf fell. I picked it up and stared at it… it had withered.

Tears ran down my cheeks. They fell on the pile of letters… letters from him… with them is a beautifully crafted image of a phoenix, the legendary bird of fire… I kissed the phoenix as I reminisced on the day he gave that to me… on the 25th day of December.

It was almost a year ago but the scene is still vivid in my memory. This Christmas is different. I received nothing from him… he didn’t promise that he’d stay… like he used to do every Christmas…

This Christmas, he left…

reposted - originally created December 10 2004

Memoirs of the Song

I could barely hear the carols as I walked down the lively street. The cool breeze brought chill in the air… it awakened a hurting ache I’ve borne inside me.

Everywhere I turned to, there were those dancing lights. A stab of pain caught me off guard as I remembered the past… it made me long for that time when I used to be happy. I closed my eyes and thought of that accident which changed my life.

It happened one cold and foggy night. The air's filled with songs sung by children’s voices. We’re on our high spirits and he was driving the car faster than the normal speed. We didn’t noticed that there was a child crossing the street. When we saw the child, it was only some feet away from us. Nathan was shocked, swerved the car to the right and lost control. I didn’t know what happened next. The next thing I remember, I woke up in the hospital room. A bandage was on my head. Then, I remembered Nathan and I started asking his mom about him. An unnerving fear washed over me as his mother closed her eyes and said nothing. It was then that I realized what happened to Nathan.

On that eve, Nathan and I met an accident. We slammed to a wall as Nathan avoided the child. Nathan’s car was fully wrecked, the police officer told me. I didn't want to believe what I’m hearing. I covered my ears and closed my eyes. I screamed as the officer told me about Nathan. What I heard from him was like a stab in my heart.

Nathan was dead. He died instantly. They found him covering me, protecting me from the tragic accident. He guarded me from the broken windshield. Some of the broken glass cut through his internal organs which caused his death.

I didn’t know what to do back then. I wanted to scream and curse God from taking Nathan away from me! Why am I this sad when I’m supposed to be happy?!

I was at this thought when I heard the song Nathan was singing for me on that Christmas Eve. The soft melody eased the tensions awakened by remembrance. It brought back Nathan’s words as he drove his car. He told me he’d always be beside me, guiding and guarding me against the angst I feel. Then, I remembered how he looked like when he sang that song. He was smiling… the kind of smile that I’ve never seen before…

After a while, I found myself singing that song, humming along the lines Nathan used to sing for me. After all this Christmas since Nathan died, it was only now that I’ve smiled. My eyes sparkled as tears brimmed. Nathan wasn’t really gone. He’s always with me… in my heart… I’ve got no regrets now.

As I head home, I realized that lonely Christmas Eves are now over. Nathan was God’s gift to me. I closed my eyes and smiled as Nathan’s words flashed in my memory. I know out there, he’s happy. I should be happy too. I know what I had been was far from what he had hoped for…


reposted - originally created December 7 2004

Where It Ached

Her whole body ached as blood flows from it. Finally, she’s feeling the peace she had wanted so much. The sharp blade of the dagger drips her blood… warm blood… her blood… She tried to smile as memories filled her senses… as her strength fades…

She remembered him as she drifted into unconsciousness. In her mind she saw him smiling at her, his eyes whispering silent promises. She felt her lips form a smile… It was as if she was at that moment again. In her sub-consciousness, she felt her hands reached for him. Just as she was about to, the vision faded. Her hands fell at her side.

The next image she saw was what had hurt her and caused her pain. She saw him leaving her alone… in that time when she needed him most. She was calling him again and again… He didn’t look her way. What he did was enough to make her insane.

He had caused her so much pain. She’d rather be insane than feel all the hurt he’d given her. Pain filled her heart. She was at lost. After months of loneliness and crying, she did what she thought was the best thing to do… She went to her apartment, took a knife and stabbed herself where it ached.

Tonight was that night… She could feel her life going weaker against each minute that passed. As she closed her eyes to accept what she had given to herself, she heard him speaking… His voice was inaudible, but she can sense that he was afraid. There were even tears from his face, falling to her face.

He was calling her… He was doing everything he can to stop the bleeding. She could hear him now… His words clear but frightened. He was asking her forgiveness. He was asking her to talk to him. She wanted to… She tried to open her mouth to speak but she had no more strength to do so… she heard him cry.

He was telling her to fight. With her remaining strength, she shook her head… lifted his fingers to his lips and whispered: “I love you…”

She gave him her forgiveness. She smiled when he held her hand and kissed her bloody palm. With that, she breathed her last…

reposted - originally created November 19 2004

feeling low

what was the best way to deal with a heartache? what would you do if that was caused by infidelity? how would you wake up the next morning, feeling empty, confused, and lost?

i can't say goodbye. not because i still love him but because words wouldn't be enough to let him feel the anger i'm feeling. how betrayed i was with what he did to me. and now, i'm feeling low.

i can't be the same bubbly person people have known. that girl who loves to laugh. the sweet one. i can't. i can't act like everything's normal. nothing was normal. i can't be cheerful. not now when inside me, there's nothing but pain... and the need to change.

i'm tired of acting i was strong. i'm tired of letting people see that i'm funny... i'm a wacko.. i'm a freak. i'm tired of being used and abused. i'm tired of my pathetic life. i'm tired of my existence.

don't think that i'm like this just because of him. no. he just added to my problems. the saddest part of this thing that's making me low is the acceptance that i've been made a fool. again.

reposted - originally created November 13 2004

My Knight and My King

I used to have a friend who meant everything to me. He was my best friend. My best bud. My knight and my king. He was my world. Not a single day would pass without us being together. He was the only one I wouldn't get tired being with. He was my life.

He was my friend. It wasn't long before I realized that I’m falling for him. Not just any fall... not just like some free fall... but I’ve fallen for him. Hard. Like a sudden thump with nothing to catch me below.

I hid what I feel. Afraid that I might lose the friend I found in him. Afraid that he doesn't feel the same. I was more afraid of rejection and losing him, than having the courage to tell him how I feel. It’s hard to find someone like him. It’s hard to find a friend, a guy friend who will do anything for you.

He did a lot of things for me. He was my guard, my protector. He would be my company when I want to go shopping or watch a movie. Whenever I’m hungry, he would give me my daily dose of Chuckie or lasagna. Whenever I’m sick, he would be the one to look after me and attend to my every need.

I’ve lived most of my life with him. But that was until 3 years ago. He was supposed to meet me for dinner. He was on his way to meet me when he his heart stopped beating. He didn't told me that his heart attacks were becoming more frequent. It was only at the hospital when I learned why he had that attack. That night that he's supposed to meet me, he was planning to propose. I was looking at him through the window when one of the hospital's nurse handed me a letter and a box.

The letter was written the night before. There, he told me what he felt. That all those time I was hiding what I feel for him, he was loving me too. Silently. Just like I did. He even bought me the ring, hoping that I would say yes once he proposes. He’s putting all his hopes on that night. He told me "tomorrow night will be my happiest or my saddest. It all depends on you."

I cried after reading his letter. I wanted go inside the ICU to talk to him. To tell him how much I love him. That I’ve been loving him all those years. That it was him who was inside my heart. But I was late. He let go without hearing those words that I’ve kept from him. He left me, just as dawn breaks into the atmosphere.

Yesterday, I remembered him again as I opened my treasure chest. I saw his letter, and the ring. Its glitter and simplicity made me remember... I closed my eyes and in there, I saw him smile at me... just like he always did 3 years ago. I’ve moved on but he'll always be the sweetest piece of my life.

reposted - originally created November 2 2004

a dream

yesterday was just an ordinary day... i get to meet new people... i lost some... and yet, it's still the same routine. work... home.. or gimmick if i want.

last night, i went to bed with a clear mind... no thoughts of the one i had a fight with... or no fantasies to wish for. i just lie there... in my bed, my eyes wide open. and my mind's a blank. heck! i even thought of drinking milk *i don't drink milk!* just so sleep would come to me.

after hours of just staring at the wall... sleep came to cover me and lull in its silence. while in deep slumber, a vision flashed. like i was living that scene again.

that dream made me think. i cried when i woke up. that's when i realize... i still love him!

reposted - originally created October 28 2004

of losing a friend

i've learned to cherish this special friend. although i haven't seen him personally, i considered him as one of those people who had come beneath the surface of knowing me.

he even became my confidante. i shared my problems with him and he was ready to listen. he used to be my angel once... but now...

now, i've lost him. i dunno whether its my fault or his. i may be stubborn. but im still a private person. he's my friend, true. he's my confidante... another truth. but he need not know eveything about me. i'd let him in.. but it would be gradual... slowly... but worth it.

losing a friend like him is like losing a part of yourself. but i know life would let me meet other friends who would not impose anything from me.

reposted - originally created October 27 2004

a friend's promise

promises are meant to be broken. i'm saying this because of the 20 years that i've lived my goddamn life as a forbidden child, none of the promises i've got came to life.

as a forbidden child, i've learned the hardships of life. and it was those promises... those broken promises... are the reasons why i've fight for my life.

stupid me... coz i believed those words. yet, it was my fuel. my food for survival. coz as a forbidden child, i have nothing with me... no love. no respect. no trust. just those promises that was given to me by those people who mattered to me.

but of all those promises, i've treasured those that came from my friends... my barkada. for me, it was their WORD. and i believed in their WORD of HONOR.

it was my friend's promise which currently fueled my existence. it was my friend's promise which kept me fighting inspite of my wishes to stop fighting.

but then...

my friend just broke his promise. now i'm back at my corner... to the quiet place where i, the forbidden child, would always belong...

reposted - originally created October 27 2004

life's lessons i learned the hard way...

* people are naturally sensitive. no matter how tough they seem, they're still private individuals who deserves respect.

* sometimes, its the fighter who needs someone to fight for them.

* in love, letting go is a sign of weakness.. weakness coz you can't fight for what you feel... weakness coz you're afraid to be hurt...

* people hurt others coz they themselves are hurt. it's in their nature to get even...

* jealousy is the green-eyed monster set to destroy relationships. doubt is one of its elements.

* too much honesty can kill. always keep a little tyo yourself. but remember... only a little... just enough to keep the excitement.

* too much mystery can raise doubts. though it excites.. it destroys trust.

* wounds heal easily but wounded hearts take years to mend...

* real tears are not the tears that falls from the eyes and courses through your face... its the tears that our inner being sheds and covers our souls...

* it's easier to tell our problems to those we barely knew than those who really know us. why? coz we're afraid to show them our weakness...

* when in love, we'd rather tell them lies to keep them happy rather than say the truth and hurt them badly...

* i've cried for stupid reasons before and remembering them now brings smiles to my lips and my laughter to echo in silence. but remembering my past laughters.. and the smiles i've given... makes me feel pain that shattered my soul....

reposted - originally created October 26 2004

friendship or love?

it hurts to fall in love with a friend. you keep on hiding your feelings, avoiding it as much as you can 'til you cry your heart out... all out of fear of losing a friend and a love you never had...

how does it feel falling for you friend? your best friend? how does it feel knowing that you love him but it can never be the two of you?

what would you do? will you tell your friend that you love him? do you have enough courage to end the friendship and go on a different level?

what would you do if your friend doesn't love you? what if he thinks of you only as a friend, nothing more.. nothing less...? what would you feel?

hay naku. ang hirap magmahal ng isang kaibigan. walang thrill. lahat kasi, alam n'yo na. there's no room for discoveries. lalo na if your friendship took years bago maging stable... bago ma-establish...

ngayon alam ko na 'yung pakiramdam na ang taong mahal mo eh kaibigan mo. ngayon alam ko na 'yung pakiramdam ng nalilito. ngayon, ako na 'yung naguguluhan... FRIENDSHIP o LOVE? whichever i choose, there's the risk of losing the other person, in one way or another. and that is something i should deal with.

hmmnn... if i'll ask you... which one will it be??? FRIENDSHIP or LOVE? if you'll choose friendship, you'll sacrifice the love you feel and swallow your hopes of ending up with your friend. if you'll choose love, you'll sacrifice the friendship which, sometimes, lasts longer than love.

so, FRIENDSHIP or LOVE?

reposted - originally created October 29 2004

of letting go the ones we love

i often wonder why people opted to let go of people they love just because of foolish reasons that in some way or another, can't be a reason at all.

i can't get it why people would let go when in fact, they love the person that much. it makes me wonder if love is not enough reason for them to stay. or if love is enough reason for them to let go.

and i find it all funny. coz im angry at those people who let the ones they love go, yet im one of them...

i've loved this guy for more than 2 years... but i let him go just recently coz he can't commit. because his commitment belongs to his cause.

nagmahal ako ng isang crusader. one who
strongly believes in his cause. one who's committed to his beliefs. honestly, it was one of his qualities that i'm proud of... not knowing that it would also be the reason for me to let him go.

hay.... its hard to let go of the one you love... lalo na for unusual reasons... mahirap lalo na kung talagang mahal mo 'yung tao...

pero teka... hindi ba mas mahal mo 'yung tao pag kaya mo siyang pakawalan para sa talagang ikasasaya n'ya? tama po ba?

reposted - originally created October 24 2004

Saturday, November 3, 2007

lumuha ang gabi

sa isang kagubatang puno ng panganib
isang kaluluwa ang tumatakbo
galit... umiiyak... nananaghoy...

sa kalaliman ng gabi'y
wala siyang kasama
kundi ang mga nilalang sa kawalan
na nakatingin at tila nag-aabang...

sa kanyang pagtangis
nakikinig ang lahat ng may buhay
ang gubat ay tahimik
at ang hangi'y marahan

sa pag-ihip nito
ang mga daho'y nangusap
bumubulong...
nag-iimbita...
nag-babadya...

sa kanyang pagtangis,
ang lahat ay nakiisa.
para sa kaluluwang ito...
ang buwan ay lumiwanag...

at para sa kanya,

ang gabi'y lumuha

reposted - originally created October 23 2004

mga sabi nila.. pero ang sabi ko...

sabi nila, mabait daw ako.. pero ako? nde totoo 'yun.. uto-uto lang ako!

sabi nila, marunong daw akong magparaya.. pero ako? nde totoo 'yun.. 'di ko lang alam humindi sa isang kaibigan!

sabi nila, fighter daw ako.. pero ako? nde totoo 'yun.. kakailangan ko ba ang iba kung totoo 'yun?

sabi nila, matapang daw ako.. pero ako? nde totoo 'yun.. marae akong takot! pti nga pusa kinatatakutan ko eh!

panghuli...

sabi nila, totoong tao daw ako... pero ako??? mag-iisip na muna... kc...

pano nila nasabing totoong tao ako? kilala ba nila ako? alam b nila lahat ng takot ko?

bakit? nakita na ba nila akong wala ang maskara ko?

reposted - originally created October 21 2004

Sentiments of a Forbidden Child

She was born out of foolishness, out of pleasure. She's not like the others who are born out of love. She was conceived coz they weren't careful... coz they allowed themselves to consummate their libido.

They were married... and she was given a name. The forbidden child now has two parents to look after her... to care for her. Years passed and she's got two younger siblings... no, make it three. The mother's currently pregnant.

The forbidden child grew up; feeling the false love her parents has for her. Why false love? Coz for every misfortune, for every problem that shatters the parent's marriage, she was being blamed. It wasn't put into surface until she reached her teens. At that age, she heard those words that caused her to question her own existence and the thing she called family.

"Kung hindi dahil sa'yo, hindi magiging kami!
Hindi sana ganito ang buhay ko!"

Such harsh words came from her parents' mouth. These words created confusion to the mind of the forbidden child. She started asking herself of her fault. Worse, she started to blame herself for the family's misfortune!

The forbidden child lived a difficult life... physical pain... emotional torments... sexual assaults. She sank deeper. She lost her self. She lost self-love... self-respect. She thought low of herself. She felt like nobody... co-existing with the people around her only to be hurt by them!

She's been alive for 20 years, and more than 7 months. But the problem's still there. She's still the same forbidden child her father detest, and her mother hated. She's still longing for the love and respect only those people can give. She's lost, knowing that she'll forever be the forbidden child.

And you know what? That forbidden child is me... Yep! Me!

reposted - originally created October 18 2004

masarap magmahal, mahirap masaktan

ano bang nakukuha natin kapag nagmamahal tayo? ano bang dahilan natin para magmahal? tayo ba'y nagmamahal dahil yun ang nararamdaman natin para sa taong iyon? o nagmamahal tayo dahil yun ang tawag ng panahon?
marami na ang nasaktan dahil sa pagmamahal na yan! buong loob kong sasabihin na isa ako sa mga yun. isa ako sa mga nagmahal. nagmahal ako ng lubos. pero nasaktan lang din ako.


masarap magmahal. nakakakilig kapag nakakarinig ka ng mga "sweet" na salita. . . kapag naririnig mong sinasabi nya sa iyo na mahal ka nya. pero hindi ba mas maganda kung nararamdaman mo rin?

mas masarap kapag nararamdaman mo yung pagmamahal na nararamdaman nya para sa'yo. yung tipong, alam mo kung ano man yung dapat mong malaman. alam mo kung saan ka nakalugar. pag nagmamahal ka kasi, nandun yung ligaya. lalo na kapag nararamdaman mo ang halaga mo sa kanya.


pero, pano kung ang pagmamahal na nararamdaman nya sa yo ay isang kasinungalingan??? just an ephemeral feeling you believed to be real? masaya ka pa rin ba? hindi na, di ba?
kapag nasaktan ka na, mahirap kumawala. iba't ibang emosyon ang maaari mong maramdaman. nandyan, ang magalit ka, umiyak, magsisi, at maghinayang. minsan, talo ka pa kung yung galit ang pinairal mo.
sabi nga nila, move on.

but moving on is difficult. lalo na kung you've shown that person who you really are. ang hirap tanggapin na yung pinagkatiwalaan mo ng iyong buong pagkatao ay nagawa kang saktan. how could you move on when you know you left a part of you to that person?
mas mahirap kung huli na ng malaman mo kung ano ka lang sa kanya. mahirap kung nagago ka.

mahirap kung malalaman mong iba ang totoong ugali nya. masakit dahil youve gambled for the wrong love. tama?

reposted - originally created October 11 2004

sa iyong paglisan

sa gitna ng dilim, ako'y nag-iisa
iniwanang puno ng lungkot at dusa
pilit na bumangon sa nadamang sakit
tanging iniisip, dahilan kung bakit

ang dating ligaya'y naging lungkot na rin
pangakong iniwa'y nakasakit lang din
ang huling hiling ko'y di mo n dininig
narito ako ngayon, puno ng ligalig

ang dating kasangga'y naglaho, nawala
ako'y di man lamang nabigyang babala
ang makasama ka'y isa nang pangarap
nalayo ka sa 'kin, sa isang iglap

sa iyong paglisan, hindi ko nasabi
halaga mo sa 'kin, pilit itinabi
kung alam mo lamang lihim na pagsinta
gagawin mo kaya, sa ki'y lumisan pa?

2004, reposted - originally created September 28

cry

she clutched herself tightly and rocked herself in silence. no one should see her cry... no one should see her misery...

it was dark outside her room. with each strike of lightning she could glimpse at her reflection on the mirror. she saw her swollen eyes, her hair in wild array... she saw how miserable she was...

thunder moaned and she shouted her anger. no one would hear her anyway. the drops of rain created a loud noise on the roof. she decided to went out... to feel the rain on her skin... to cry all she wanted to cry...

outside, she saw the dark clouds covering the sky. she looked up and felt the tingling sensation brought by the drops of rain. it caressed her soul... and brought a wry smile on her pale lips.

she let herself drown in the rain. this way, she could cry all she want. she could shed tears. no one would notice it. she cried... she didn't stopped. rain mingled with her tears. she tasted the rain... or was it her tears? she didn't know. she didn't want to know...

'coz all she wanted to do was cry...

reposted - originally created September 27 2004

white rosebud

You said to me once that white roses means purity of intentions. I laughed at you then... I made a joke of your sentimentality. But that was before. Now I know what you mean... why you love the pale color of white.

I find it funny, even puzzling. I love red roses but you'd always insist on white ones. I’d often smile whenever I get to remember our arguments. It seems pretty foolish back then. Imagine a heated argument just because of a flower's color...

I’d often laugh at you, and you'd explain. I’d pretend to listen as I pick the flowers that would catch my fancy. I’d arrange them just like you always wanted them to be... only, you'd react about the color. You only wanted white rosebuds. But I often include bright flowers in your vase.

I wanted to put color in your life. The way colorful flowers bring life to an empty corner. I wanted you to see life at its best but you only want to see white, the pale color of absence.

Absence... that's what they meant. And the paleness of color is the same as your life. Yours is a life of no color, a life void of any emotion that paints one's existence. Yours is a heart ignorant of love.

reposted - originally created October 9 2005

sa pagpaparaya...

mali ba ang mag-give way para sa isang kaibigan? mali bang pakawalan ang taong mahal mo dahil alam mo para sa isang kaibigang noon lang natutong magmahal?

masakit na ang ulo ko. nahihirapan na ako. masakit at mahirap pakawalan ang taong mahal mo. pero iba ako. mas gusto kong pakawalan ang mahal ko para sa kaibigan ko. mali ba iyon?

hanggang ngayon, dala ko pa rin 'yung alaala nung taong pinakawalan ko. hanggang ngayon, napapaginipan ko kung gaano kasakit ang iwan siya para magbigay daan sa kaibigan ko. kasalanan ba 'yun?

para sa akin, mas mahalaga ang kaibigan. madaling magmahal, mahirap makakita ng isang tunay na kaibigan. pero tunay bang kaibigan ang matuturing mo sa taong hiniling na angkinin ang mahal mo? kahit na noon pa, alam nyang 'yung taong 'yun ang itinatangi mo?

ang gulo noh? pero talagang ganito ako. kaya ngayon, naririnig ko ang sumbat ng taong dati ko nang minahal. hindi daw siya masaya sa piling ng kaibigan ko. ako pa rin daw ang mahal nya. sakit ng ulo! sakit ng puso!

kung tatanungin ko kayo, masama ba ang magparaya? mali ba ako?

reposted - originally created October 21 2004

You

You had been my sole inspiration… the only person who lifted me up from this pool of self-pity. You made me face my hidden fears. You taught me how to be strong. You made me feel emotions that I wouldn’t want to feel. You made me feel love.

I’m thankful for all the help you’ve given me… how you boosted my confidence… how you gave me the courage to face the unknown. But of all those help you’ve given me, there’s only one thing I won’t get tired of reminiscing. You taught and have given me love.

You know how much I hated that stupid feeling. You know how much I detest meddling in love. Yet, you made it look like it’s such an easy task… that it was an easy feeling to deal with. Everything I had feared before was gone. You taught me the joy of feeling those emotions that I’ve avoided for so long…

Time flew fast. I’ve learned a lot of things from you. I have fallen in love with you. But then, you’ve become cold… so cold that it was as if something bad was brewing… I felt sure of that.

My intuition had been right. You did something that left a mark on my whole being. You’ve hurt me. To love you was such a big mistake.

I’m still hurting about what happened. But now I know I can’t make you love me when you don’t. I can never make your heart feel something it won’t dare feel.

Come to think about it… you forgot to teach me something… one thing that is of so much importance. You forgot to teach me how to feel numb of pain.

reposted - originally created September 27 2004

place to belong

i held the memoir close in my heart and clutched it tightly. i can feel the beat of my own heart as i thought of the things that happened between us.

ive cherished and loved you in every way i know. i let you feel all the love i can give. you're so dear to me... i never wanted to let you go...

i held you tightly. like a child afraid to let go of something dear. indeed, it was like that. i was the child and you're my precious toy. like a child, i've been so possessive of you.

at first, it was okay. you never minded my possessiveness. you even seem to like it... but there are really instances when you got tired of me... i know you did although you never told me... never showed me... so...

i was really hurt when you left me. i felt numb as pain coursed my whole being. i ask you of the wrong i did. i even thought my love for you was not enough. it hurt me more when you told me the reason why you're leaving me...

i held you so tightly that you suffocated. you understand how much love i have for you but i must realize that loving someone doesn't necessarily mean that i don't have to let go.

people stay in our lives because they want to... because beside us is the place where they want to belong...

reposted - originally created September 27 2004

last night's happening...

last night, i cancelled a long-planned date for the joyride invitation of my friend. good thing, the guy was kind and agreed to re-sched it for next week.

jake was my friend for almost 8 years now. we're used to doing things together coz we share the same interests. one of them is people-watching... :D we've been doing that for almost 6 years now, since he got his car from his pops...

anyways, our first stop was at the megamall parking lot for the end party of Oktoberfest. hell, a lotta people are blocking the way and we can see them enjoying themselves as if it's their last day of having fun. one word came into my mind as i saw them partying like wild animals in the jungle: HEDONISTS. jake and i left the party early.

we found ourselves hungry so we went to this cozy resto where most yuppies dine. my gaze wandered to the people dining in. some are on a date, complete with sweet talks and gestures. some are just there to eat, not minding that they're losing their poise or that they look like a hungry ogre. i could even hear some business talks near the corner as a group of yuppies brag about their chosen career. there, i saw different kinds of people with different priorities and views in life.

next, our "kaliwa tayo jan... diretso mo dun... kanan sa susunod..." brought us to this place in manila where street parties and bars fill the place. we were leaving when a group of girls blocked our way. jake opened the window and pointed at me. "hookers", jake said to me when the girls left after seeing me inside the car.

i bet they're just about my age but, young as they may be, they're already engaged in that filthy trade. i glanced around and saw one of the girls taking some shots. a thought crossed my mind and i'd rather believe that thought. i'd rather believe that they don't like what they're doing. that they're just helpless victims whose only means of survival is through the use of their bodies.

its past midnight when jake and i decided to go to our special place. we're both tired and have seen enough for that night. we went to our place. it sure is freaky and would give goosebumps to those who hears that place.

honestly, its jake's family mausoleum... he never visits his family's grave without me. freaky as it may sound, we usually go there. we'd lie on the grass, gazing up at the stars. this relaxes both of us. and a good way to end a tiring day.

reposted - originally created October 29 2004

untitled

ang daya mo. iniwan mo na naman ako. nangako ka pang babantayan mo ko, di mo naman pala tutuparin. lagi ka na lang ganyan. mga pangako mo lang ang pinanghahawakan ko.

sabi mo, tutulungan mo ko. sabi mo, di mo ko papabayaan. eh nasaan ka na ngayon? di mo ba alam na ngayon kita kailangan? di mo ba alam na mas kailangan kita ngayon?

tuwing nadadapa ako, tinutulungan mo kong bumangon. pag malungkot ako, ikaw ang nagpapatawa sa akin. ikaw yung nagbabalik ng ngiti sa labi ko. ngayon, sagutin mo ko. paano ako babangon? paano ako ngingiti?

pag andyan ka, ang dami kong kayang gawin. mas madaling abutin lahat ng pangarap ko. kapag alam kong nasa likod lang kita, parang lahat ng bagay kaya kong harapin. ngayong wala ka, kahit simpleng bagay lang, nakakasakit na...

sa tulong mo, nagawa kong makita ang mga bituin sa lupa, sa pagtitiyaga mo, natuto akong tingnan ang mga bagay-bagay ng higit pa sa nakikita ng mga mata,

ngayong iniwan mo na ko, paano ako magiging matatag? wala nang magpapalakas ng loob ko. pilitin ko mang sabihin sa sarili ko na kaya ko, na andyan ka pa rin sa tabi ko, nahihirapan ako. siguro kakayanin ko kung nakapaghanda ako sa pag-alis mo. siguro kaya ko kung di naging biglaan yung pagkawala mo.

kinuha ka na nga nya agad sa akin, di ko man lang nagawang magpaalam sa'yo. i wasn't even able to see you for the last time. just when i found someone i could share my world with, god took him away.

sana andito ka... sana gawin mo pa rin yung mga bagay na madalas mong gawin...

sana, bukas o makalawa, magising ako sa bangungot na ito. sana, gisingin mo ako...

reposted - originally created July 4, 2005

Last One to Cry

She sat in the shadows, motionless. Her mirthful eyes gleamed with unshed tears. She asked herself of all the things she did in the past that made her suffer.

The darkened corner had been her refuge. It listened to all her angst, her worries, her fears… the hall was her sole protector. She felt safe in that dark place.

She remembered the past… all her struggles.. all her triumphs and defeat. She had always been strong. She didn’t want to show how weak she was. She hid all her anger and pain. She never let anyone see through her façade.

She used to laugh at people who would cry because of their problems. For her, crying is a sign of weakness… of not having enough strength. She would never shed a tear. She was strong… she never needed anyone to have strength. Or so she thought… that was until she met him.

He came to know her… he became her confidante. She trusted him, up to the point of learning to love him. She was happy with him… until he left her.

He left a scar for her to heal. It still aches each time she remembers him. She never knew she could feel such numbing pain… he had always brought happiness to her. He let her believe that he loved her… but that faded all too soon… the pain he left her scathed her whole being.

The scar remained with her, reminding her of her mistake… of her loving him… Each time she remembered, the scar would be like a fresh wound… causing her to feel the same pain again and again.

Warm liquid raced down her cheeks. She touched it… her silence gave way to moans and sobs. She tasted the salt of tears and found the act stupid… unforgivable... she may never know it… but she has become the person she hated… and so it was her.

She was the last one to cry…

2005, reposted - originally created May 8
I might not post or visit this site regularly.
I'm already done with my own site and have already posted my blogs there.

Please click on the banner above to visit my new site.

Thanks! :)

Eyeglasses

http://www.hieyeglasses.com

Designer Prescription Eyeglasses on all year round sale. Eyeglass Frames and Reading Glasses by Chanel, Emozioni & Oakley available with Free Shipping. Your One Stop Eyeglasses Store.