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Thursday, December 18, 2008

Pasko na Naman

Malamig na naman.. Pasko na naman kasi e. At katulad ng mga nakaraang pasko, muli kitang bibisitahin.

Sabi ng pamilya mo, I have to move on. Siguro nga.. Bakit hindi? Pero tingin ko, hangga't may pasko, maaalala pa rin kita.

Muli kong maaalala kung paano mo ko kantahan. Muling sasagi sa isip ko kung paano mo ko patawanin.


Ika-ilang taon na ba simula nung umalis ka? Iniwan mo kasi ako, di man lang tinanong kung gusto ko bang sumama...


Sasama naman ako e, kahit saan. Mas gusto ko yun. Kesa ngayon.. pasko ulet, wala ka na..


Ako? Mananatiling nagtitirik ng kandila at nag-aalay ng bulaklak..

Sa puntod mo...

Saturday, December 6, 2008

Rattles from the Office

I hate being judged, especially if what a certain person perceives about me is entirely different from who I am. I hate it when a certain person say something behind my back and act really sweet in front of me!

So imagine how I've felt when I heard what a colleague said about me (behind my back). I felt angry. I felt cheated. Worst of all, I felt being ridiculed and made fun of whenever I'm not around.


I'm just new in my current department. Their process is different from the process I've known during my Export years. But hell, I don't think my being new to the OPS department is enough for her to say those things about me.


I may not know all the how-to's right now. I'm still in the learning curve... Why question my position and what I know based on the few weeks that I've been on floor?


She barely know me. Reason why in the first place, she should never said those things about me.


If she had any problem with me, she should have said it. She should have been upfront with it. I'm willing to listen and if things need changing, then I will.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Clothes, clothes... and more clothes!

I'm not a fashionista. Heck, I don't even bother dressing up even though there's a special occassion. So imagine my desperation when our HR department announced that we are the ones who's gonna buy our uniforms from our selected shop.

Panic struck coz I'm not really into clothes. I hate going through different shops/boutiques. I hate trying out clothes to see if they fit me or not. Then, I made a decision to ask the help of my college friends, Hazel and Geri.

Our call time was 2 to 3pm at Megamall's foodcourt. As always, I was late *hehe*. Anyway, from Megamall to Shangri-la, we just walked and talked.. It was tiring coz I'm not that fond of walking and it really seemed like a long walk!

Upon arriving at Shangri-la, we immediately went to level 5 (coz that's where Tubby is located). It actually took us a long time and a number of text messages before we finally located the shop. Inside, we immediately look for what I should get.

Had tried a number of blouses and pants. Swear, I didn't liked the idea of trying on clothes, looking for the fit, and the style. What's even more frustrating is that after getting stuffs I'd like, there's still 800 bucks that I need to spend! So I looked through some more clothes and decided to just take a polo shirt. The end price was almost 300 bucks greater than the budget.

In the end, I got 7 items.. Pants, two blazers, and 4 blouses with collar. What I really like among those things that I got is the red blouse and the gray blazer.

A lot of other things happened after Tubby but I won't get into much details. It's pretty embarassing and I'd rather keep 'em to myself.. hehe

Sunday, May 25, 2008

3 Weekends of May

I've been busy for 3 consecutive weekends this Month. Different gimmicks dominated my weekend.

Last May 10-11, we had our team farewell party. It's an overnight swimming at Loreland Farm and Resort, somewhere in Antipolo. The place was big with a lot of different pools and cottages. The rooms okay. Except for the fact that it doesn't have any extra sockets where we could plug our charges (for phones and batteries).

The whole experience was full of fun! We had a lot of food to eat, and a lot of tequila to be tipsy with. I even uploaded one kulitan moment we had while in Nipa Hut 5 (where some of the guys already had more alcohol than they could tolerate.. hehe).

It was fun. But I didn't enjoyed it that much (had an attack of asthma which kept me from exploring the whole area and dipping to other pools... What a pity!

Come Sunday, me and Tina went to the Rainforest Park somewhere in Pasig. The entrance is free and the park has a lot of features: Gyms, Mini Zoo, Children's Playground, among others. We also saw ramps for bikers, and wall-climbing facility.

It was my first time to see live animals (other than what you can normally see at farms). I saw ostriches, crocs, eagles, pythons and bayawak (the ones I usually see are dead ones: for exotic pulutan.. hehe).

After the park, we bought some grilled bangus and Crab Meat at Pixie's.. Tina's really craving for that bangus so we decided to go to Tony's house (she doesn't like the idea of me going to her apartment.. she's sorta afraid that I might see and tell her about the ghost/s in that house) and have our dinner there.

A lot of kwentuhan happened after dinner. Stuffs about office, work and colleagues llivened the night... We also had occassional brownouts that makes us stop for a while and look for candles, or our phones for light.. hehe

Then, yesterday, May 24, we decided to watch the pyrolympics at MOA. Meeting time was 5:30-6:00pm, at Powerbooks, SM Megamall but we left there at already past 6pm. When we finally arrived at MOA, we're still looking for our other colleagues who went there ahead of us.

When we finally entered the place where we could really see the fireworks, Jen, Tina, Lyn and me went ahead, looking for a good spot to catch some pics or videos. I have posted the pics I got during that night.

By the way, I just used my mobile phone so the images may not be that clear or the resolution might not be that good.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Nag-aalab na Tubig

Mahirap maging palaisip. Lahat kasi ng bagay, gagamitan mo ng utak. Kahit mga bagay na dapat puso na ang mamimili, utak pa rin ang gamit ko.

Dati inisip kong di na ako mahuhulog ulit. Ilang beses na ba kasi akong nasaktan? Ilang beses na ba akong nabigo? Kaya nga tumagal na ng dalawang taon akong nagsosolo.


Pag solo kasi, magagawa ko lahat ng gusto ko. Inom, yosi... gimik... Mamasyal mag-isa. Manood ng mga tao... Magwala. Dahil mag-isa lang ako, walang pwedeng magdikta ng gagawin ko.


Pero nung dumating siya, tila muling nag-alab ang mga damdamin kong katulad na ng tubig: dumadaloy.. walang sariling porma.


Ginulo niya ang tahimik kong mundo. Ginising nya ang mga damdaming inakala kong wala na ako..


Pero gaya ng mga nauna, nawala na rin siya. Para bang pinatunayan lang sa akin na tao pa rin akong pwedeng mahulog, magmahal..


Muli na namang nag-alab ang tubig.

Kasunod nito ang muling pagyelo ng mga damdamin...

Friday, April 25, 2008

Changes at the Workplace

I'm 24 y/o already... and for more than 3 years of my life, I've been working at Maersk Manila GSC. We're on the documentation side of shipping cargoes. The department I belong with is concerned with export documentation - manifest and/or amendments of bills of lading... This could be pretty boring for most of you but I'd be blabbering about my work (at least for this particular blog only).

I started there January 17, 2005. After training, we've been seating in with some staffs from different manifest teams. If my memory serves me right, 7 of us in the batch (there are 20 of us) had no particular team yet coz we were supposed to be BCP staffs. Since we were not yet called to start with BCP, all 7 of us just loittered in the 17F, not doing anything and/or just chatting with some peeps on floor.

After some days (or was it weeks), we were asked to manifest for West Africa Trade. Basically, we're inputting details of bill/s of lading on the systems used at Maersk. After 3 weeks, me and Lhem were transferred to Amendment Team. There, we're tasked to update bills according to request/s from Shipper, Origin and/or Destination office.

While in the amendment team, we were called for BCP. So, after being in AMD for almost 4 months, Melissa and I were transferred to BCP. In that team, we're just doing tests to see if Manila GSC can take some of the volume of BOM, SJO, or GUA if ever there's a contingency. Quota was 2 bills per hour and everyday, the bills we've manifested were audited by BOM/SJO/GUA and then we'd receive feedbacks regarding our accuracy and SOP adherence.

After some months at BCP, the team was dissolved so we went back to AMD. Since then, I've never been moved to a different team again. Last year, I was even promoted to a Team Lead position.

I never thought that AMD team would also be dissolved. Imagine, since the start of that team, we've already heard some rumors that it would soon be dissolved. Heck, I've even prayed that it's just rumors. Though AMD team has a lot of differences and/or clash of ideas, we've lasted more than 3 years.

Right now, our team's officially dissolved. I understand that streamlining all processes would require this change. I've accepted changes quickly more than my other team mates did. What I cannot understand/accept is that we were dissolved at that time we were so united. We've been through a lot of issues in the past but we're able to surpass them.

This dissolution of our team is one big blow to all of us. We love our team. We have good relations with our team mates... Change is good, they say... But this type of change is not something that you'd like to happen in a matter of weeks.

As of this time, a lot of us in the team already felt the loss.. Today, some of us did things together, coz this is our last day as AMD team... Honestly, I felt all screwed up coz the setting that should take effect on Monday made me feel like I'm a nobody...

Who would ever want to feel that way, 'ayt?

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

The White Rock Experience

April 19-20, 2008.. that's the batch 2 schedule of our company outing at White Rock Beach Resort in Subic. 5am was the call time and departure would be at 5:30am.. but we left Ortigas a little later (coz we're still waiting for the others to come).

The trip started okay. The bus driver took liberty to drive fast and had taken a different route so we could avoid the traffic. Somewhere along Floridablanca, Pampanga, the aircon broke. At the stopover, the driver, along with one driver from the other bus tried fixing it. The deed was unsuccessful so our bus coordinator told us that we continue the trip without the aircon. It was just an hour or more trip so we might as well continue.

Off we went, with some of the guys removing their shirts and the ladies taking off their jackets, or manually fanning theirselves just to deal with the trapped heat. I almost collapsed, if not for the occassional borrowing of Tinay's fan. Then, we stopped at Victory liner's terminal where another bus' aircon was also ineffective. After staying there for what seemed to be hours, they have decided to change buses so we could arrive at our destination.

Before 12, we arrived at the venue. White Rock Beach Resort looks really good. 2pm was the check in time so for 2 hours, we stayed at one covered spot where the committee prepared some (boring!) games. Our first merienda was pancit with one slice of bread,, and a single glass of iced tea. Before 1pm, we had our lunch of 1 single piece of chicken, plus (boiled?) eggplant with alamang... Call me maarte but I didn't liked the food. I somewhat expected something better!

Our team watched the games and gave cheer to some games (I think it was just the first game that we cheered.. hehe). Finally, they gave us the keys to our room. Room 326 of the Beach Front hotel.

When we got to the room, housekeeping isn't finished yet. So we planned to just leave our things in the room and go out. After dropping our bags and belongings, one of the housekeeping staffs said at least one of us should stay in the room to look after our things. So, instead of going out, we decided to stay on the room's veranda... Overlooking the bowling center, the cafe, and the covered walk where we say our other team members.

After the housekeeping finished all the necessary cleaning, some of us decided to doze off while I decided to take a bath (the bus trip plus staying under that covered facility made me feel so dirty and smelly that taking a bath seemed like a luxury). Good thing, the bathroom has a bath tub, a shower, sink and all amenities you'd like to have in a room (minus the fact that the hotel allotted only 6 mini soaps and 6 halves of shampoo.. halves coz it's the clear sachet cut in halves.. hehe).

While brushing my teeth, everything went black. Electrical failure made me want to run outside the bathroom, if not for the fact that I was already naked and had prepared my bath. I asked my roommates to hand me my lighter (coz it has a flashlight) but it's light wasn't enough. So, Jas handed me her mobile phone with the flashlight. I finished brushing when the lights came back so I took a quick shower.

After my shower, Shirley and Tetet decided to go to the beach already. But the girls I'm with decided to rest first (take a quick nap) before soaking in the saltwater. We went down a little before 5pm, had our merienda (spaghetti with white sauce that has no taste, literally... and a pineapple juice that tasted so darn sweet). We didn't finished the food and decided to go to the beach already, after taking a couple of pictures beside the flags.

The water's warm and at that particular time, the sun isn't that hot already. What I didn't like about it was the feeling of the sand on my feet. It was really rough and buhaghag. After taking some swimming lessons courtesy of Rhodz, I just played frisbee with Chester and Andrew. Randy joined in after some time. Then my tooth ached again so I called it quits. I went to where Charles was and smoked a cigarette.

When the girls finished on the beach, they've decided to go to the pool. So we went there, had a little fun and then back to our room to take a bath before having dinner. It took us more than 2 hours to finish bathing that when we went down to have dinner, there's no more food on the table. Apparently, dinner's served until 9pm only and we went down a little after 9. I saw Chard, one of the committee and asked him about it. I swear, I got really pissed when all his reply was "may oras lang kasi ang pagkain", scratched his head and left us to greet some guys who already got their beers.

I was really in a bad mood and marched back in our room. The girls soon followed. Good thing, Anne and Charles brought some canned goods. The four of us, Rhodz, Jas, Mitch and of course, me, shared some bread and canned tuna. I was so pissed that when Shirley and Tetet asked me if I will go with them to the inuman, I was so resolved in having the guys pick me up, else I'd just sleep the night off.

After a few more minutes, the guys arrived in the room and told us, we'd be drinking at Lhem's room. There, we had 3 bottles of Tequila and 2 bottles of Gran Matador. On the left is the tanggero of Tequila, on the right is the tanggero of Matador... It was a night full of fun. Proof are the photos I've posted here. Charles and Anne decided to go down, on the hammocks and I joined them as three of our roommates already retired and went up to our room and slept.

Outside, on the hammock, I rocked myself and made it like a swing. That made me dizzy, not the drinks I've had so after a few more minutes, I already decided to sleep to. Changed my shirt, open the TV, then sleep. That's what I did, the early morning of Sunday.

We woke up at about 7am, went down to have breakfast. The food? Garlic rice, eggs and beef tapa (which was so hard that it looks like you're eating a bark of a tree...). Since I was not able to have dinner that night, I almost ate all of it, if not for the fact that my jaw ached coz of that tapa. After breakfast, the girls decided to swim again. I declined their invitation and had decided to go up in the room, take a bath and fix my stuff coz check-out time is 12pm.

I won't go into details of what happened from 9am til check out. After check out, we had our lunch of fish fillet and kangkong with bits of squid. Then picture-taking. And by 2pm, we were the first bus to leave the resort. I've slept on the way home but I woke up at one stop-over, I think it was duty free and we've been there for almost 2 hours already.

Again, I was so pissed coz I have to go somewhere else by 6pm that night. I got hungry again coz the food at the resort isn't that good. I asked Randy to accompany me and look for burger, not knowing that the bus is already leaving and were just waiting for us. After we resumed with the trip, 2 more stopovers happened. We arrived at Ortigas, 9pm... A 7-hour trip home.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

free verse

My judgment fails whenever I'm with you.
My usual indifference shatters with wanting to see you.
Is it worth the risks, taking this crazy ride with you?
I can't help this surge of emotions whenever I'm beside you.
I just want to know the ending of this insanity.
The long ride with you has no turning back.
Will you stay with me?
Or you're just here to teach me?
If I put my feelings at stake, will I reap your love?



**originally written March 28, edited version...**

Friday, March 14, 2008

Blood Thirsty

I am suicidal. I'm not ashamed of it. Its not something I'm also proud of. But, my suicidal days are still vivid parts of my being.

I've slashed my wrists and stabbed myself. I even faked a motorcycle accident. Being a person who hides what she feels made it difficult for me to handle problems. Writing became a useless outlet when my problems suffocated me.

I am at this phase... the phase where I most often thought of ending my life again. Problems everywhere. Home, work, personal ones... I hate what they're making me feel. Useless, unworthy, a nuisance, a black sheep.

I'm thirsty for blood. My own blood. I want to feel it ooze out of my body again. But this time, I'd close my eyes... to welcome that warm feeling and...

To keep myself from losing consciousness because of hematophobia.

Saturday, March 8, 2008

It's My Birthday

I'm a year older now. I don't know how to react. Should I be grateful that I get to live a year again? Or should I be depressed coz I've been through another year of pain and hurt?

I'm 24 now. I should be more mature. I should be more open about things I feel. But here I am, sulking. Pushing aside my family's efforts to make this birthday a happy one. Well, why should I let them make me believe another year full of lies again?

It's my birthday... and just like the previous ones I've had, I'm again reminded of my faults. If I were given the choice, I would have chosen a different one. I would have chosen to die.

Yes, die. Think of me as another suicidal adult who was not able to let go of the past that's been haunting me for years. I tried facing it before but they've brushed me off, saying that I'm being the drama queen again.

This year, I hope it'd be my last... I'm tired of crying, of sulking, of acting tough when I really want to breakdown and give myself a good cry.

It's my birthday... and I've cried again. For the nth time. I've drunk alone for fear that people might see me breakdown and cry. Even in my own day, I've chosen to wear this mask of indifference.

Just like it has always been.. for the past 24 years..

Sunday, February 24, 2008

i am

I'm a brat. I'm so used to getting the things that I want, or having things my way. I was spoiled; by my parents, relatives, even my guy friends. I grew up thinking that I could have everything that I want though I never really need it.

I'm selfish. I keep things to myself. I don't want to share. I just want to acquire knowledge and experiences that might help me when I grow old. I'd hide what I have 'cause whatever it is, it's mine.

I'm a pack rat. I keep a lot of things even if they don't have any value. Old chocolate boxes, memoirs, letters... I still have them with me. My room seems crowded because of all the things inside. I have numerous boxes where I keep each type of memento.

I'm a coward. I hide what I feel 'cause I'm afraid to be hurt. I've had numerous blows; countless stabs that I've mended well but remained with scars.

I am a selfish brat who wants to have things going my way. I'm a pack rat whose cowardice makes me keep things to myself and hide what I feel.

I am me.

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Piscean Mumble

I've been busy... with work, with personal battles... I've lost time to think, to feel the change in my environment. I'm currently at lost, lost whether it's time to move on... undecided whether I should stay.

There's these attacks again. Depression lurks. Satirical thoughts, caustic words all haunt my sleep. Vivid colors of different hues would turn into black and gray dreams. Feelings evoked would range from sheer joy to pain.

I still don't know the reason behind or what caused these dreams. I'm slowly sinking in my anxiety.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

in the morning

when i wake up tomorrow morning, things would be much better. my days would be lighter, i'd feel ready to take on any challenges.

that would be tomorrow... not now coz..

right now, i'm at my lowest. i feel so depressed, unwanted, unloved. alone.
I might not post or visit this site regularly.
I'm already done with my own site and have already posted my blogs there.

Please click on the banner above to visit my new site.

Thanks! :)

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