a ghra

i heard a shot that broke the silence of the night. i even tried to look back. i tried to look at his direction as i felt warm liquid dripping down my back. i tried to reach it and saw red liquid in my fingers. i was shot. he fired the gun aimed at my heart.

he sat beside me as my legs gave in to the pain. he caressed my head, brushing my hair with his fingers. he's muttering incoherent words. he's stammering...

i closed my eyes and i saw our story... how we met... how we ended up together. i saw his betrayal. i saw myself crying. despite of all the hurt he'd caused me, i was still hoping we could work things out.

"sagapo, a ghra..." he whispered. i opened my eyes and saw the truth. only, this new hurt he'd inflicted is something i just can't laugh off.

"i'm sorry...", his last words sounded empty as i closed my eyes for the last time and gave away the final breath of life...

depression strikes back..

i'm not normal. at least not in the full sense of that word. i hide what i feel. i act tough. but my insides would always crumble. i want a lot of things but those i need confuse me. i don't know what to feel anymore. i don't know if there's something else missing or if i should be content.

when depression strikes, i don't know what to think of. a lot of thing's racing in my mind. material thoughts, intellectual gains, emotional needs. i want to read a lot of books, visit a lot of sites, write about millions of things. i don't know what i should prioritize as i seem to want to do a lot of things at the same time. focus is divided, attention to each scarce.

and then, there's this thought:

if i'm finally able to do all those stuffs, would i be content? or will i just lock it inside a chest, and look for another thing to pursue?

all these thoughts confuse me and make me want to retreat in my cocoon. it's depressing to see a lot of talents wasted. it's depressing to know you've done many but still not enough to satisfy your own thirst.

this quest started years ago. i'm still nowhere near the middle. i am still given a lot of different paths where i should thread. where to start or which path to choose, i'm not so sure... =(

not supposed to...

i'm not supposed to feel anything. i've played deaf to my own screams. i've been blind to things that i need. i'm not supposed to wait coz it's been years since it's gone. i'm not supposed to cry coz i'll just feel helpless. i'm not supposed to fall for you coz that would be the perfect failure...

sigh...

things would always be different. there won't be any miracles... not now. not even tomorrow. everyday's just a weak struggle to stay standing. and i'm getting too weak... too weak to even think of what should be done. too weak to even hope for something better. yep, this may be despair speaking. but when hope has abandoned a soul, who's left to make it strong?

manhid na...

di ako takot magmahal. wala ring kaso sa akin kahit masaktan. iba kasi yung pananaw ko sa love. feeling ko, i'm not loving that person enough if i'm not getting hurt by him. tipong i equate love with pain. weird noh? pero mentality ko kasi is more on the extremities. mula sa favorite stuff, hanggang sa mga bagay na nakaka-fascinate sa akin.

so there, ngayon, i'm here at this point where i know i've moved on. nakalimot na ako sa past ko, nakabitaw na ako. nakaahon na rin ako. so why is it na hindi ako ma-fall? di naman sa pagmamayabang o kung ano pa man... pero there are times na gusto kong mahulog na dun sa isang taong nangungulet, yun nga lang, hindi ko magawa.

bukod dun, wala naman akong maipipintas pero heto't binasted ko pa.. nakakaaliw noh? and wala man lang akong feeling na regret. or kahit na awa dun sa taong yun kasi alam kong nasaktan ko siya sa mga sinabi ko para tigilan na niya ako, wala pa ring epekto.

manhid na ba tlga ako? o bumalik lang yung pagiging cynical ko?

mumble

you promised to sing for me, i've waited for you 24/7

i wanna hear your voice

i wanna feel the baritone melody bring me to peace

you promised you'd stay, i've believed you til today

your coldness silenced my scream;

your goodbye made me sleep with tears...

where's sanity?

i needed something. a spark. a glow. something that would make me insane. sanity's been making me think. think more than what i could. i'm feeling less. i'm acting less. i keep myself from being humane.

where's sanity? was it with every clear thought? was it in every coherent word? was it through concrete actions that warrants results?

if that's sanity, then i want to be insane. i wanted to fall in a dreamy fashion. i want to blabber about someone who's making me feel special. i want to do crazy things without thinking of what will happen next.

i want to be sane but insanity's what i need... can't someone just fall without being so wrap up with questions of what if's and what's next?

in the middle

i don't know what to think. i don't know what to feel. i'm here at the middle, unable to decide. unable to climb up coz i don't know if i wanted to fall.

i guess i'm still afraid. i guess there's still unresolved items that i just buried deep down, without facing. i still think about the pain. i've kept the walls high enough so no one could enter.

i felt like a coward, hiding inside my own self. afraid to show what i feel. afraid to show my weakness. i feel strong with each of my masks. i have strength with each mask hiding my being full of bruises and wounds...

My First Tattoo

I wanted to change... Not for someone better, not to be worse. I just want to let go of the old me. Be more free... First step I did, I had a tattoo imprinted on my lower back. The design? An ambigram of Raye, the name I wanted to be known. Why an ambigram of that name? I wanna be an example. I wanna be different. Different in the sense that I am what you see inside-out. Much like an ambigram which looks the same way whether you're looking at it from below, or from above.

So there, I finally had it. Last Saturday, I asked my college friend to accompany me to the artist's shop. I've anticipated pain. I've prepared myself for it. What I didn't know is that I'd actually rejoice in the feel of the needle's movement against my skin. It didn't hurt. It actually tickled.

Now, I wanted to look for a new design. Perhaps a portrait. Or an image. I could see in my mind how I wanted that new design look like. A fairy seated on a big rock beside a lake. With the moon's reflection on the lake. I still can't figure out how I'm gonna put some fire in that image. I wanted the new tattoo to reflect me, fiery waters...