i'm not normal. at least not in the full sense of that word. i hide what i feel. i act tough. but my insides would always crumble. i want a lot of things but those i need confuse me. i don't know what to feel anymore. i don't know if there's something else missing or if i should be content.
when depression strikes, i don't know what to think of. a lot of thing's racing in my mind. material thoughts, intellectual gains, emotional needs. i want to read a lot of books, visit a lot of sites, write about millions of things. i don't know what i should prioritize as i seem to want to do a lot of things at the same time. focus is divided, attention to each scarce.
and then, there's this thought:
if i'm finally able to do all those stuffs, would i be content? or will i just lock it inside a chest, and look for another thing to pursue?
all these thoughts confuse me and make me want to retreat in my cocoon. it's depressing to see a lot of talents wasted. it's depressing to know you've done many but still not enough to satisfy your own thirst.
this quest started years ago. i'm still nowhere near the middle. i am still given a lot of different paths where i should thread. where to start or which path to choose, i'm not so sure... =(
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