It's My Birthday

I'm a year older now. I don't know how to react. Should I be grateful that I get to live a year again? Or should I be depressed coz I've been through another year of pain and hurt?

I'm 24 now. I should be more mature. I should be more open about things I feel. But here I am, sulking. Pushing aside my family's efforts to make this birthday a happy one. Well, why should I let them make me believe another year full of lies again?

It's my birthday... and just like the previous ones I've had, I'm again reminded of my faults. If I were given the choice, I would have chosen a different one. I would have chosen to die.

Yes, die. Think of me as another suicidal adult who was not able to let go of the past that's been haunting me for years. I tried facing it before but they've brushed me off, saying that I'm being the drama queen again.

This year, I hope it'd be my last... I'm tired of crying, of sulking, of acting tough when I really want to breakdown and give myself a good cry.

It's my birthday... and I've cried again. For the nth time. I've drunk alone for fear that people might see me breakdown and cry. Even in my own day, I've chosen to wear this mask of indifference.

Just like it has always been.. for the past 24 years..

21 years, and almost two weeks

different thoughts broke the silence of my senses while i was smoking. i was trying to clear my mind of things that's been haunting me for the past years of my existence... but my efforts were lost when that thought crossed my mind.

i have been living my life for 21 years, and almost two weeks... and was there anything i've done that i could be proud of? heck, i tried to force myself to smile when i suddenly thought of that stupid question...

honestly, i have tried to plan things for myself. but my plans were nothing but whimsical dreams i have woven for myself to believe in. plans which were mere reasons for me to stay in this mortal realm where pain is more likely to be felt.

yep... pain. the kind of pain that shatters the soul... the inner being that lies deep beneath a person. the same pain that has taught me to be what i am right now.

21 years and pain still fuels my will to stand up and never give up. all for the hope that one day, i wouldn't feel it. thinking that i could get numb of it.

who would have thought that at this point, i am at the brink of losing my grip of reality? all those years, i was able to fool people around me. i was able to let them see that i was happy... that i was smiling. they didn't know that those smiles were nothing but masks that is pasted to make others believe that i'm okay. those who were able to see behind that mask left me for according to them... i am "melancholy" in its mortal form...

that's enough. i couldn't just go on and bare myself to you. you know me enough to see that these thoughts would lead to another set of questions, realisms, and hopes that would or might fuel my existence for the coming year...

besides, i still need to light another cigarette...

2005, reposted - originally created March 19