Pasko na Naman

Malamig na naman.. Pasko na naman kasi e. At katulad ng mga nakaraang pasko, muli kitang bibisitahin.

Sabi ng pamilya mo, I have to move on. Siguro nga.. Bakit hindi? Pero tingin ko, hangga't may pasko, maaalala pa rin kita.

Muli kong maaalala kung paano mo ko kantahan. Muling sasagi sa isip ko kung paano mo ko patawanin.

Ika-ilang taon na ba simula nung umalis ka? Iniwan mo kasi ako, di man lang tinanong kung gusto ko bang sumama...

Sasama naman ako e, kahit saan. Mas gusto ko yun. Kesa ngayon.. pasko ulet, wala ka na..

Ako? Mananatiling nagtitirik ng kandila at nag-aalay ng bulaklak..

Sa puntod mo...

tatlong taon

nandito akong muli sa lugar natin... alam mo, wala itong ipinagbago. ganun pa rin ang paligid. tahimik... maaliwalas... at higit sa lahat... andun pa rin yung mga palatandaang iniwan natin.

natatandaan mo ba nung unang punta natin dito? muntik na kong mahulog nun dahil nadulas ako. buti na lang, mabilis ka. nahawakan mo ko at hinila pataas. kahit yakap mo na ako, matindi pa rin ang kaba ko. malakas pa rin ang kabog ng dibdib ko. sabi mo pa nga, kulang na lang eh umiyak ako. hindi ko kasi magawang kalmahin ang sarili ko eh...

naaalala mo rin ba yung unang gabi nating dalawa? dun din tayo, di ba? sinorpresa mo pa nga ako eh... dahil sa takot, maingat kong inakyat yung lugar natin. at pagdating sa taas, bumungad sa akin yung nilatag mong kumot, mga pagkaing gusto ko... mga kandila at tulips... inaya mo kong kumain. at pagkakain, magkatabi tayong nahiga.

alam mo, hindi ko makakalimutan yung gabing yun. andun tayo sa bubong ng bahay nyo... magkatabi... at parang mga batang naglalaro sa liwanag ng buwan. tinuro mo sa akin ang polaris... ang orion... itinuro mo rin sa akin yung iba pang constellations na nakikita sa langit...

sa lugar na ito, marami akong natutunan... dito din tayo nagbitaw ng pangako sa isa't isa. di ko makakalimutan yun... hanggang ngayon kasi, tumutupad pa rin ako sa mga pangako ko sa'yo... kaya lang...

bakit mo ko iniwan? bakit mo kinalimutan yung pangako mo? bakit ka umalis? bakit hindi mo ko hinintay?

alam kong masaya ka na ngayon. naiinis ako kasi pakiramdam ko, hindi mo man lang ako inisip... hindi mo ba alam na nasaktan ako sa pag-alis mo? alam mo bang hanggang ngayon, nananatili ako sa kahapon? hindi ko magawang harapin ang bukas dahil alipin pa rin ako ng nakalipas. wala akong magawa kundi ang alalahanin ka... ang isipin ka... ang balik-balikan ang lugar natin...

tatlong taon na ang lumipas... ikaw pa rin ang gusto kong makasama. magpapasko na. anibersaryo na naman... magta-tatlong taon na simula ng iwan mo ako... ikatlong pasko ko na 'tong wala ka sa tabi ko... tatlong taon na simula ng kunin ka ng Diyos sa akin... sa araw mismo ng pasko...

reposted - originally created December 23 2004

Memoirs of the Song

I could barely hear the carols as I walked down the lively street. The cool breeze brought chill in the air… it awakened a hurting ache I’ve borne inside me.

Everywhere I turned to, there were those dancing lights. A stab of pain caught me off guard as I remembered the past… it made me long for that time when I used to be happy. I closed my eyes and thought of that accident which changed my life.

It happened one cold and foggy night. The air's filled with songs sung by children’s voices. We’re on our high spirits and he was driving the car faster than the normal speed. We didn’t noticed that there was a child crossing the street. When we saw the child, it was only some feet away from us. Nathan was shocked, swerved the car to the right and lost control. I didn’t know what happened next. The next thing I remember, I woke up in the hospital room. A bandage was on my head. Then, I remembered Nathan and I started asking his mom about him. An unnerving fear washed over me as his mother closed her eyes and said nothing. It was then that I realized what happened to Nathan.

On that eve, Nathan and I met an accident. We slammed to a wall as Nathan avoided the child. Nathan’s car was fully wrecked, the police officer told me. I didn't want to believe what I’m hearing. I covered my ears and closed my eyes. I screamed as the officer told me about Nathan. What I heard from him was like a stab in my heart.

Nathan was dead. He died instantly. They found him covering me, protecting me from the tragic accident. He guarded me from the broken windshield. Some of the broken glass cut through his internal organs which caused his death.

I didn’t know what to do back then. I wanted to scream and curse God from taking Nathan away from me! Why am I this sad when I’m supposed to be happy?!

I was at this thought when I heard the song Nathan was singing for me on that Christmas Eve. The soft melody eased the tensions awakened by remembrance. It brought back Nathan’s words as he drove his car. He told me he’d always be beside me, guiding and guarding me against the angst I feel. Then, I remembered how he looked like when he sang that song. He was smiling… the kind of smile that I’ve never seen before…

After a while, I found myself singing that song, humming along the lines Nathan used to sing for me. After all this Christmas since Nathan died, it was only now that I’ve smiled. My eyes sparkled as tears brimmed. Nathan wasn’t really gone. He’s always with me… in my heart… I’ve got no regrets now.

As I head home, I realized that lonely Christmas Eves are now over. Nathan was God’s gift to me. I closed my eyes and smiled as Nathan’s words flashed in my memory. I know out there, he’s happy. I should be happy too. I know what I had been was far from what he had hoped for…


reposted - originally created December 7 2004