May kinakatakutan pa rin talaga ako. Akala ko, unti-unti kong mahaharap lahat ng takot ko. Hindi pala. Hindi pala lahat ng takot ay dapat harapin. May ibang kailangang ipagpaliban muna.
Takot ako sa pusa. Dati, makarinig lang ako ng "meow" nito, natitigilan ako. Kapag may dumaan sa harapan ko, napapahinto ako. Hanggang ngayon, ganun pa rin. Pero ngayon, kaya ko ng dumiretso kapag nakakita ako nito. Naaalis ko na ba ang mga takot ko sa pusa? Pwedeng oo, pwedeng hindi. Siguro, ayos lang sa akin ang makita o makarinig ng huni niya. Wag lang siyang lalapit, ibang usapan na yun.
Takot din pala ako sa dugo. Hematophobic ako. Ito ang rason bakit hindi ako sa larangan ng medisina kahit gusto ko yun. Makakita lang ako ng dugo, hinihimatay ako... Kahit nga nung naglaslas ako, mainit sa pakiramdam ang paglabas niya sa aking katawan... pero nung nakita ko na ang dugo ko sa sahig, hinimatay ako. Huling pagtatangka, pasko ng taong 2002...
At ang isa sa nakapagdudulot sa akin ng matinding takot? Hindi hayop, bagay, o pangyayari. Sa katunayan, muli akong sinasaniban ng takot. Bumalik kasi siya. Siya na ilang beses ko nang iniwasan at tinaguan. Muling nauulit ang siklo naming dalawa.
Kung hanggang kailan itong takot ko, wala akong ideya. Ayoko siyang harapin. Masyadong masakit at nakakatakot ang mga nagawa niya dati sa akin.
Kung bakit pa kasi nangyari yun, di sana, kaibigan ko pa rin siya hanggang ngayon. Di sana ako tulad sa isang daga na kung saan-saang lungga pumapasok.
Showing posts with label personal experiences. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal experiences. Show all posts
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Sunday, November 4, 2007
of losing a friend
i've learned to cherish this special friend. although i haven't seen him personally, i considered him as one of those people who had come beneath the surface of knowing me.
he even became my confidante. i shared my problems with him and he was ready to listen. he used to be my angel once... but now...
now, i've lost him. i dunno whether its my fault or his. i may be stubborn. but im still a private person. he's my friend, true. he's my confidante... another truth. but he need not know eveything about me. i'd let him in.. but it would be gradual... slowly... but worth it.
losing a friend like him is like losing a part of yourself. but i know life would let me meet other friends who would not impose anything from me.
reposted - originally created October 27 2004
he even became my confidante. i shared my problems with him and he was ready to listen. he used to be my angel once... but now...
now, i've lost him. i dunno whether its my fault or his. i may be stubborn. but im still a private person. he's my friend, true. he's my confidante... another truth. but he need not know eveything about me. i'd let him in.. but it would be gradual... slowly... but worth it.
losing a friend like him is like losing a part of yourself. but i know life would let me meet other friends who would not impose anything from me.
reposted - originally created October 27 2004
a friend's promise
promises are meant to be broken. i'm saying this because of the 20 years that i've lived my goddamn life as a forbidden child, none of the promises i've got came to life.
as a forbidden child, i've learned the hardships of life. and it was those promises... those broken promises... are the reasons why i've fight for my life.
stupid me... coz i believed those words. yet, it was my fuel. my food for survival. coz as a forbidden child, i have nothing with me... no love. no respect. no trust. just those promises that was given to me by those people who mattered to me.
but of all those promises, i've treasured those that came from my friends... my barkada. for me, it was their WORD. and i believed in their WORD of HONOR.
it was my friend's promise which currently fueled my existence. it was my friend's promise which kept me fighting inspite of my wishes to stop fighting.
but then...
my friend just broke his promise. now i'm back at my corner... to the quiet place where i, the forbidden child, would always belong...
reposted - originally created October 27 2004
as a forbidden child, i've learned the hardships of life. and it was those promises... those broken promises... are the reasons why i've fight for my life.
stupid me... coz i believed those words. yet, it was my fuel. my food for survival. coz as a forbidden child, i have nothing with me... no love. no respect. no trust. just those promises that was given to me by those people who mattered to me.
but of all those promises, i've treasured those that came from my friends... my barkada. for me, it was their WORD. and i believed in their WORD of HONOR.
it was my friend's promise which currently fueled my existence. it was my friend's promise which kept me fighting inspite of my wishes to stop fighting.
but then...
my friend just broke his promise. now i'm back at my corner... to the quiet place where i, the forbidden child, would always belong...
reposted - originally created October 27 2004
life's lessons i learned the hard way...
* people are naturally sensitive. no matter how tough they seem, they're still private individuals who deserves respect.
* sometimes, its the fighter who needs someone to fight for them.
* in love, letting go is a sign of weakness.. weakness coz you can't fight for what you feel... weakness coz you're afraid to be hurt...
* people hurt others coz they themselves are hurt. it's in their nature to get even...
* jealousy is the green-eyed monster set to destroy relationships. doubt is one of its elements.
* too much honesty can kill. always keep a little tyo yourself. but remember... only a little... just enough to keep the excitement.
* too much mystery can raise doubts. though it excites.. it destroys trust.
* wounds heal easily but wounded hearts take years to mend...
* real tears are not the tears that falls from the eyes and courses through your face... its the tears that our inner being sheds and covers our souls...
* it's easier to tell our problems to those we barely knew than those who really know us. why? coz we're afraid to show them our weakness...
* when in love, we'd rather tell them lies to keep them happy rather than say the truth and hurt them badly...
* i've cried for stupid reasons before and remembering them now brings smiles to my lips and my laughter to echo in silence. but remembering my past laughters.. and the smiles i've given... makes me feel pain that shattered my soul....
reposted - originally created October 26 2004
* sometimes, its the fighter who needs someone to fight for them.
* in love, letting go is a sign of weakness.. weakness coz you can't fight for what you feel... weakness coz you're afraid to be hurt...
* people hurt others coz they themselves are hurt. it's in their nature to get even...
* jealousy is the green-eyed monster set to destroy relationships. doubt is one of its elements.
* too much honesty can kill. always keep a little tyo yourself. but remember... only a little... just enough to keep the excitement.
* too much mystery can raise doubts. though it excites.. it destroys trust.
* wounds heal easily but wounded hearts take years to mend...
* real tears are not the tears that falls from the eyes and courses through your face... its the tears that our inner being sheds and covers our souls...
* it's easier to tell our problems to those we barely knew than those who really know us. why? coz we're afraid to show them our weakness...
* when in love, we'd rather tell them lies to keep them happy rather than say the truth and hurt them badly...
* i've cried for stupid reasons before and remembering them now brings smiles to my lips and my laughter to echo in silence. but remembering my past laughters.. and the smiles i've given... makes me feel pain that shattered my soul....
reposted - originally created October 26 2004
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Sentiments of a Forbidden Child
She was born out of foolishness, out of pleasure. She's not like the others who are born out of love. She was conceived coz they weren't careful... coz they allowed themselves to consummate their libido.
They were married... and she was given a name. The forbidden child now has two parents to look after her... to care for her. Years passed and she's got two younger siblings... no, make it three. The mother's currently pregnant.
The forbidden child grew up; feeling the false love her parents has for her. Why false love? Coz for every misfortune, for every problem that shatters the parent's marriage, she was being blamed. It wasn't put into surface until she reached her teens. At that age, she heard those words that caused her to question her own existence and the thing she called family.
"Kung hindi dahil sa'yo, hindi magiging kami!
Hindi sana ganito ang buhay ko!"
Such harsh words came from her parents' mouth. These words created confusion to the mind of the forbidden child. She started asking herself of her fault. Worse, she started to blame herself for the family's misfortune!
The forbidden child lived a difficult life... physical pain... emotional torments... sexual assaults. She sank deeper. She lost her self. She lost self-love... self-respect. She thought low of herself. She felt like nobody... co-existing with the people around her only to be hurt by them!
She's been alive for 20 years, and more than 7 months. But the problem's still there. She's still the same forbidden child her father detest, and her mother hated. She's still longing for the love and respect only those people can give. She's lost, knowing that she'll forever be the forbidden child.
And you know what? That forbidden child is me... Yep! Me!
reposted - originally created October 18 2004
They were married... and she was given a name. The forbidden child now has two parents to look after her... to care for her. Years passed and she's got two younger siblings... no, make it three. The mother's currently pregnant.
The forbidden child grew up; feeling the false love her parents has for her. Why false love? Coz for every misfortune, for every problem that shatters the parent's marriage, she was being blamed. It wasn't put into surface until she reached her teens. At that age, she heard those words that caused her to question her own existence and the thing she called family.
"Kung hindi dahil sa'yo, hindi magiging kami!
Hindi sana ganito ang buhay ko!"
Such harsh words came from her parents' mouth. These words created confusion to the mind of the forbidden child. She started asking herself of her fault. Worse, she started to blame herself for the family's misfortune!
The forbidden child lived a difficult life... physical pain... emotional torments... sexual assaults. She sank deeper. She lost her self. She lost self-love... self-respect. She thought low of herself. She felt like nobody... co-existing with the people around her only to be hurt by them!
She's been alive for 20 years, and more than 7 months. But the problem's still there. She's still the same forbidden child her father detest, and her mother hated. She's still longing for the love and respect only those people can give. She's lost, knowing that she'll forever be the forbidden child.
And you know what? That forbidden child is me... Yep! Me!
reposted - originally created October 18 2004
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