ang sumpa

may sumpa ata ako. di lang sa aspeto ng lecheng pag-ibig. pati ata mga taong malalapit sa akin. apektado ng sumpa..

tatlong bf ko dati, namatay thru different accidents. parang ang weird. lahat sila nakita kung paano ako in my super happy state.. and in my deepest depression. ang masaklap lang dun, they never lasted. ironic pa nga kasi one died on christmas eve.

now my bestfriends. my guy bestfriend took his own life a few years ago. nagbigti sya upon knowing na buntis yung wife nya na at that time ay napagbuhatan nya ng kamay. di raw niya kinaya yung guilt.

the latest one, si coleen. she lives on her own and minsan, dinadalaw ko. a few months ago, she met this wonderful guy. steady date sila kahit the guy has clearly no plans on being serious. ikaw ba naman ang 27 y/o na, college pa rin.

i've been really vocal in showing my disgust over that guy. walang pangarap, masaya na sa pag-asa sa parents nya. then, a couple of weeks ago, coleen told me she's pregnant. tinanong ko siya about david's reaction. sabi nya, di nya alam. di na sinasagot nung guy yung calls, text messages, and emails nya.

since then, nagkaroon ng severe depression si coleen. nakausap ko siya nung friday and she wanted me to stay in her house... natatakot daw siya sa gabi. i brushed them off, thinking that her fears will be gone the minute she drinks her anti-depressants. it didn't.

past 4am, saturday morning, she was begging me to be there. kaya lang, me katangahan akong nagawa nung friday before going to work kaya hindi ako nakapunta sa kanya. pagdating ko sa bahay, before 6am, i received a text message from her yaya. nag suicide daw si coleen.

ang hirap isipin.. masakit mawalan ng kaibigan..

lalo ko tuloy na-confirm:

may sumpa nga ako.

Pasko na Naman

Malamig na naman.. Pasko na naman kasi e. At katulad ng mga nakaraang pasko, muli kitang bibisitahin.

Sabi ng pamilya mo, I have to move on. Siguro nga.. Bakit hindi? Pero tingin ko, hangga't may pasko, maaalala pa rin kita.

Muli kong maaalala kung paano mo ko kantahan. Muling sasagi sa isip ko kung paano mo ko patawanin.

Ika-ilang taon na ba simula nung umalis ka? Iniwan mo kasi ako, di man lang tinanong kung gusto ko bang sumama...

Sasama naman ako e, kahit saan. Mas gusto ko yun. Kesa ngayon.. pasko ulet, wala ka na..

Ako? Mananatiling nagtitirik ng kandila at nag-aalay ng bulaklak..

Sa puntod mo...

my curse?

i've always been afraid to love. and often, id tell them that i'm too afraid to get hurt... hell, whatta lie to cover something that started 6 years ago...

to start with, at that time, i'm with this guy. i'll just call him roy (he's the reason why i'm called raye... eheheh). he's nice and sweet. and i wouldn't mind telling you that well, i almost thought that he'd be the one... yep, the one. but a sudden twist came unexpectedly. he had an accident which took his life instantly. that's dead bf #1, who died october 24..

then, almost 4 years ago, i had another guy... sweet, funny, serious when needed. he's the only one my friends approve of... but then, he died. on another accident, with me. i know i wrote about him on one of my journals... the one titled "3 taon". that's his story. that's for nathan... dead bf #2, dead on the 25th of december.

and as for dead bf #3, well, he died june 26th this year. and hey, another accident. he died on his way to meet me... his mom hated me coz dhie's the only child she had. oh, she's also a widow. so, she's got no one left with her. how she hated me, blamed me for what happened to her son...

at the office, i told my colleagues to call me jynx. that's the way i felt back then. i'm jinxed... i even thought that i was cursed. maybe i am. maybe not. but then, who am i to know? ayt?

as days fly by quickly, i know i'd be in their tombs... on the date of their death, talking to them, as if they're still beside me...

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whew, i wanted to write something serious, but it ended sorta funny. hehe... guess i'll always think of 'em seriously but talk about them in a funny way...


reposted - originally created October 5 2005