It's been 6 long years since we've been together. I could still hear our song playing in the air. I could still see your smile that haunted me every Christmas since you've left.
It's about this time on year 2001 when we were together. You're driving at 80kph, not that fast, not even that slow. I was giggling as you utter each word of that song, our song. From time to time, I'd look at you, just to see your smile that makes me feel at peace.
It's nearing midnight when we decided to speed our way to your house. I could still see how serious you looked while you struggled to sing. I've made fun of you as you missed that one particular high note. We were laughing so hard that we did not see the old woman with her grandson. It's too late to hit on the brakes so you did the only thing you could to spare them.
You swerved to the right. I could still hear that eerie screech and the loud thud. I know we slammed on some wall. But I couldn't remember anything after that. After that loud thud, there's nothing but darkness... and a soothing feeling of floating in mid-air.
Fifty-two hours in coma... that's what your mom told me when I opened my eyes. I tried to look for you but it's just your mom, a doctor, two police officers and two nurses. They did not say anything: the men in uniform just handed me some photos.
Your car's fully wrecked as it smashed on the wall. Inside, I saw you lying face-down. The officer told me that I was under you and that you've sheltered me from the impact and the broken glasses. Upon hearing this, I started to shout. I cursed Him who took you from me and sobbed like a madman. The nurses gave me tranquilizers to calm me. I saw your mom crying as I dozed off to sleep.
This is already the 6th year since that happened. But I could still feel the pain, the heartbreak of losing the only person who could understand me and keep me from harming myself. I still miss you, Nathan. And I'm still wishing you're here... Could you visit me tonight? In my dreams...?
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pain. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sunday, November 4, 2007
walang titulo...
sabi mo sa akin, may oras para sa lahat ng bagay. siguro nga, meron. pero 'di mo ba naisip na ang oras tumatakbo? nawawala... sa paglipas nito, nakakalimot ang tao.
matagal na kitang hinihintay. matagal na akong nasa ere mag-isa. at aaminin ko sa'yo, naisip ko nang bumitaw.
alam kong hindi ako ang priority mo. alam kong marami ka pang gustong marating... magawa... minsan tuloy naisip ko, ganun lang ba talaga kaliit ang halaga ko sa'yo?
may oras para sa lahat ng bagay. siguro nga. pero ngayon, ang oras mo'y lipas na. tapos na ang oras para hintayin kang isali ako sa mundong ginagalawan mo.
ngayon oras ko nang humanap ng ikaliligaya ko.
2005, reposted - originally created November 5
matagal na kitang hinihintay. matagal na akong nasa ere mag-isa. at aaminin ko sa'yo, naisip ko nang bumitaw.
alam kong hindi ako ang priority mo. alam kong marami ka pang gustong marating... magawa... minsan tuloy naisip ko, ganun lang ba talaga kaliit ang halaga ko sa'yo?
may oras para sa lahat ng bagay. siguro nga. pero ngayon, ang oras mo'y lipas na. tapos na ang oras para hintayin kang isali ako sa mundong ginagalawan mo.
ngayon oras ko nang humanap ng ikaliligaya ko.
2005, reposted - originally created November 5
my curse?
i've always been afraid to love. and often, id tell them that i'm too afraid to get hurt... hell, whatta lie to cover something that started 6 years ago...
to start with, at that time, i'm with this guy. i'll just call him roy (he's the reason why i'm called raye... eheheh). he's nice and sweet. and i wouldn't mind telling you that well, i almost thought that he'd be the one... yep, the one. but a sudden twist came unexpectedly. he had an accident which took his life instantly. that's dead bf #1, who died october 24..
then, almost 4 years ago, i had another guy... sweet, funny, serious when needed. he's the only one my friends approve of... but then, he died. on another accident, with me. i know i wrote about him on one of my journals... the one titled "3 taon". that's his story. that's for nathan... dead bf #2, dead on the 25th of december.
and as for dead bf #3, well, he died june 26th this year. and hey, another accident. he died on his way to meet me... his mom hated me coz dhie's the only child she had. oh, she's also a widow. so, she's got no one left with her. how she hated me, blamed me for what happened to her son...
at the office, i told my colleagues to call me jynx. that's the way i felt back then. i'm jinxed... i even thought that i was cursed. maybe i am. maybe not. but then, who am i to know? ayt?
as days fly by quickly, i know i'd be in their tombs... on the date of their death, talking to them, as if they're still beside me...
**************************
whew, i wanted to write something serious, but it ended sorta funny. hehe... guess i'll always think of 'em seriously but talk about them in a funny way...
reposted - originally created October 5 2005
to start with, at that time, i'm with this guy. i'll just call him roy (he's the reason why i'm called raye... eheheh). he's nice and sweet. and i wouldn't mind telling you that well, i almost thought that he'd be the one... yep, the one. but a sudden twist came unexpectedly. he had an accident which took his life instantly. that's dead bf #1, who died october 24..
then, almost 4 years ago, i had another guy... sweet, funny, serious when needed. he's the only one my friends approve of... but then, he died. on another accident, with me. i know i wrote about him on one of my journals... the one titled "3 taon". that's his story. that's for nathan... dead bf #2, dead on the 25th of december.
and as for dead bf #3, well, he died june 26th this year. and hey, another accident. he died on his way to meet me... his mom hated me coz dhie's the only child she had. oh, she's also a widow. so, she's got no one left with her. how she hated me, blamed me for what happened to her son...
at the office, i told my colleagues to call me jynx. that's the way i felt back then. i'm jinxed... i even thought that i was cursed. maybe i am. maybe not. but then, who am i to know? ayt?
as days fly by quickly, i know i'd be in their tombs... on the date of their death, talking to them, as if they're still beside me...
**************************
whew, i wanted to write something serious, but it ended sorta funny. hehe... guess i'll always think of 'em seriously but talk about them in a funny way...
reposted - originally created October 5 2005
his gift
i felt pain.
i felt it in his words
he injured me with his actions
he hurt me with his thoughts
he gave me wounds.
he inflicted my being with burns
he gave me a gift id rather not get
he gave me pain.
yes, pain...
the kind that leaves you in agony
the kind which takes years to heal
pain which marks your being with a scar.
reposted - originally created September 6 2005
i felt it in his words
he injured me with his actions
he hurt me with his thoughts
he gave me wounds.
he inflicted my being with burns
he gave me a gift id rather not get
he gave me pain.
yes, pain...
the kind that leaves you in agony
the kind which takes years to heal
pain which marks your being with a scar.
reposted - originally created September 6 2005
isang bukas...
nakita kita kanina... masaya, nakangiti... ewan ko kung bakit, pero tila may kurot sa aking damdamin. parang masakit sa akin ang makita kang masaya.
sinubukan kong lumayo sa'yo. sinubukan kong sundin ang ipinayo mo. nakakapagtaka, kahit anong landas man ang piliin ko... ikaw palagi ang nasa dulo.
nung una, sinubukan kong ayusin pa ang gusot. nung una tayong magtagpo pagkatapos nating magkalayo, kinausap pa kita. nilingon mo lang ako, nginitian. pagkatapos, nawala kang muli. hindi na kita hinabol dahil alam ko, sariwa pa rin ang sugat na iniwan ng kahapon.
mahirap palang ibalik ang nakaraan. napatunayan ko yun nung ilang beses din tayong nagkita... nag-usap... nag-iwasan... sadyang matagal maghilom ang sugat na iniwan sa puso.
ngayong muli kitang nakita, hindi na ako lalapit sa'yo. hindi ko na susubukang muling ibalik ang kahapon. sabi mo nga, nakalipas na iyon. bukas... yun ang meron ako...
tama ka. meron akong bukas... hindi ko na dapat ibalik ang kahapong lumipas na. dapat ko nang harapin ang bukas... isang kinabukasang wala ka...
reposted - originally created May 14 2005
sinubukan kong lumayo sa'yo. sinubukan kong sundin ang ipinayo mo. nakakapagtaka, kahit anong landas man ang piliin ko... ikaw palagi ang nasa dulo.
nung una, sinubukan kong ayusin pa ang gusot. nung una tayong magtagpo pagkatapos nating magkalayo, kinausap pa kita. nilingon mo lang ako, nginitian. pagkatapos, nawala kang muli. hindi na kita hinabol dahil alam ko, sariwa pa rin ang sugat na iniwan ng kahapon.
mahirap palang ibalik ang nakaraan. napatunayan ko yun nung ilang beses din tayong nagkita... nag-usap... nag-iwasan... sadyang matagal maghilom ang sugat na iniwan sa puso.
ngayong muli kitang nakita, hindi na ako lalapit sa'yo. hindi ko na susubukang muling ibalik ang kahapon. sabi mo nga, nakalipas na iyon. bukas... yun ang meron ako...
tama ka. meron akong bukas... hindi ko na dapat ibalik ang kahapong lumipas na. dapat ko nang harapin ang bukas... isang kinabukasang wala ka...
reposted - originally created May 14 2005
21 years, and almost two weeks
different thoughts broke the silence of my senses while i was smoking. i was trying to clear my mind of things that's been haunting me for the past years of my existence... but my efforts were lost when that thought crossed my mind.
i have been living my life for 21 years, and almost two weeks... and was there anything i've done that i could be proud of? heck, i tried to force myself to smile when i suddenly thought of that stupid question...
honestly, i have tried to plan things for myself. but my plans were nothing but whimsical dreams i have woven for myself to believe in. plans which were mere reasons for me to stay in this mortal realm where pain is more likely to be felt.
yep... pain. the kind of pain that shatters the soul... the inner being that lies deep beneath a person. the same pain that has taught me to be what i am right now.
21 years and pain still fuels my will to stand up and never give up. all for the hope that one day, i wouldn't feel it. thinking that i could get numb of it.
who would have thought that at this point, i am at the brink of losing my grip of reality? all those years, i was able to fool people around me. i was able to let them see that i was happy... that i was smiling. they didn't know that those smiles were nothing but masks that is pasted to make others believe that i'm okay. those who were able to see behind that mask left me for according to them... i am "melancholy" in its mortal form...
that's enough. i couldn't just go on and bare myself to you. you know me enough to see that these thoughts would lead to another set of questions, realisms, and hopes that would or might fuel my existence for the coming year...
besides, i still need to light another cigarette...
2005, reposted - originally created March 19
i have been living my life for 21 years, and almost two weeks... and was there anything i've done that i could be proud of? heck, i tried to force myself to smile when i suddenly thought of that stupid question...
honestly, i have tried to plan things for myself. but my plans were nothing but whimsical dreams i have woven for myself to believe in. plans which were mere reasons for me to stay in this mortal realm where pain is more likely to be felt.
yep... pain. the kind of pain that shatters the soul... the inner being that lies deep beneath a person. the same pain that has taught me to be what i am right now.
21 years and pain still fuels my will to stand up and never give up. all for the hope that one day, i wouldn't feel it. thinking that i could get numb of it.
who would have thought that at this point, i am at the brink of losing my grip of reality? all those years, i was able to fool people around me. i was able to let them see that i was happy... that i was smiling. they didn't know that those smiles were nothing but masks that is pasted to make others believe that i'm okay. those who were able to see behind that mask left me for according to them... i am "melancholy" in its mortal form...
that's enough. i couldn't just go on and bare myself to you. you know me enough to see that these thoughts would lead to another set of questions, realisms, and hopes that would or might fuel my existence for the coming year...
besides, i still need to light another cigarette...
2005, reposted - originally created March 19
anibersaryo
ang liwanag ng buwan, di ba? at ang langit, punong-puno ng bituin... agad kong hinanap 'yung polaris... yung bituin natin. pakiramdam ko tuloy, nandun akong muli sa unang gabing kasama kita dito sa lugar natin...
gaya noon, maliwanag din ang langit. bilog ang buwan at ang daming bituin. sinubukan nating bilangin ang mga yun... at para di tayo malito, iginuhit mo pa ang langit. minamarkahan mo yun sa bawat bituin makita natin...
natatandaan ko noon, kandila lang ang ilaw natin. sabi mo, nakaka-relax ang mga scented candles... kaya hindi ito pwedeng mawala pag magkasama tayo... parang kulang ang mundo natin pag wala ang init at liwanag na mula sa knaila.
ang sayang alalahanin ng nakaraan no? matagal-tagal na rin eh... matagal-tagal ka na ring hindi sumusulat sa akin... tatlong taon na simula ng matanggap ko ang huling sulat mo...
ngayon, nandito akong muli sa lugar natin. inayos kong lahat. sinigurado kong kumpleto ang dala ko.. kumot, pagkaing gusto mo, mga kandila... at ang ilang sulat ko para sa'yo..
pagkatapos kumain ay iginuhit ko ang langit.. iginuhit ko ito sa paraang gusto mo... sa paraan kung paano mo ito iguhit... kaunti na lang, magagawa ko na rin ito ng maayos. ilang taon na lang, maiguguhit ko na ang langit ng tulad sa gawa mo...
may mga sulat pala ako pa sa'yo. gusto kong basahin mo lahat... medyo mahaba at madami, pero alam kong babasahin mong lahat ito at iintindihin...
'wag kang mag-alala... malayo ka man sa akin, alam kong mababasa mo ang mga sulat kong para sa'yo. ayan... sinusunog ko na ang huli. itinuro mo ito sa akin, di ba? sabi mo, kapag malayo ang padadalhan ko ng sulat, sunugin ko na lang ito...
tapos ko ng sunugin ang mga sulat ko para sa'yo... ang usok ang siyang mgahahatid ng mensahe ko... natanggap mo na ba? nabasa mo na ba??? sana narating ng mga usok na yun ang langit na kinalalagyan mo...
oo nga pala, happy 3rd anniversary... hihintayin ko ang sagot mo...
sa panaginip ko...
reposted - originally created December 26 2004
gaya noon, maliwanag din ang langit. bilog ang buwan at ang daming bituin. sinubukan nating bilangin ang mga yun... at para di tayo malito, iginuhit mo pa ang langit. minamarkahan mo yun sa bawat bituin makita natin...
natatandaan ko noon, kandila lang ang ilaw natin. sabi mo, nakaka-relax ang mga scented candles... kaya hindi ito pwedeng mawala pag magkasama tayo... parang kulang ang mundo natin pag wala ang init at liwanag na mula sa knaila.
ang sayang alalahanin ng nakaraan no? matagal-tagal na rin eh... matagal-tagal ka na ring hindi sumusulat sa akin... tatlong taon na simula ng matanggap ko ang huling sulat mo...
ngayon, nandito akong muli sa lugar natin. inayos kong lahat. sinigurado kong kumpleto ang dala ko.. kumot, pagkaing gusto mo, mga kandila... at ang ilang sulat ko para sa'yo..
pagkatapos kumain ay iginuhit ko ang langit.. iginuhit ko ito sa paraang gusto mo... sa paraan kung paano mo ito iguhit... kaunti na lang, magagawa ko na rin ito ng maayos. ilang taon na lang, maiguguhit ko na ang langit ng tulad sa gawa mo...
may mga sulat pala ako pa sa'yo. gusto kong basahin mo lahat... medyo mahaba at madami, pero alam kong babasahin mong lahat ito at iintindihin...
'wag kang mag-alala... malayo ka man sa akin, alam kong mababasa mo ang mga sulat kong para sa'yo. ayan... sinusunog ko na ang huli. itinuro mo ito sa akin, di ba? sabi mo, kapag malayo ang padadalhan ko ng sulat, sunugin ko na lang ito...
tapos ko ng sunugin ang mga sulat ko para sa'yo... ang usok ang siyang mgahahatid ng mensahe ko... natanggap mo na ba? nabasa mo na ba??? sana narating ng mga usok na yun ang langit na kinalalagyan mo...
oo nga pala, happy 3rd anniversary... hihintayin ko ang sagot mo...
sa panaginip ko...
reposted - originally created December 26 2004
tatlong taon
nandito akong muli sa lugar natin... alam mo, wala itong ipinagbago. ganun pa rin ang paligid. tahimik... maaliwalas... at higit sa lahat... andun pa rin yung mga palatandaang iniwan natin.
natatandaan mo ba nung unang punta natin dito? muntik na kong mahulog nun dahil nadulas ako. buti na lang, mabilis ka. nahawakan mo ko at hinila pataas. kahit yakap mo na ako, matindi pa rin ang kaba ko. malakas pa rin ang kabog ng dibdib ko. sabi mo pa nga, kulang na lang eh umiyak ako. hindi ko kasi magawang kalmahin ang sarili ko eh...
naaalala mo rin ba yung unang gabi nating dalawa? dun din tayo, di ba? sinorpresa mo pa nga ako eh... dahil sa takot, maingat kong inakyat yung lugar natin. at pagdating sa taas, bumungad sa akin yung nilatag mong kumot, mga pagkaing gusto ko... mga kandila at tulips... inaya mo kong kumain. at pagkakain, magkatabi tayong nahiga.
alam mo, hindi ko makakalimutan yung gabing yun. andun tayo sa bubong ng bahay nyo... magkatabi... at parang mga batang naglalaro sa liwanag ng buwan. tinuro mo sa akin ang polaris... ang orion... itinuro mo rin sa akin yung iba pang constellations na nakikita sa langit...
sa lugar na ito, marami akong natutunan... dito din tayo nagbitaw ng pangako sa isa't isa. di ko makakalimutan yun... hanggang ngayon kasi, tumutupad pa rin ako sa mga pangako ko sa'yo... kaya lang...
bakit mo ko iniwan? bakit mo kinalimutan yung pangako mo? bakit ka umalis? bakit hindi mo ko hinintay?
alam kong masaya ka na ngayon. naiinis ako kasi pakiramdam ko, hindi mo man lang ako inisip... hindi mo ba alam na nasaktan ako sa pag-alis mo? alam mo bang hanggang ngayon, nananatili ako sa kahapon? hindi ko magawang harapin ang bukas dahil alipin pa rin ako ng nakalipas. wala akong magawa kundi ang alalahanin ka... ang isipin ka... ang balik-balikan ang lugar natin...
tatlong taon na ang lumipas... ikaw pa rin ang gusto kong makasama. magpapasko na. anibersaryo na naman... magta-tatlong taon na simula ng iwan mo ako... ikatlong pasko ko na 'tong wala ka sa tabi ko... tatlong taon na simula ng kunin ka ng Diyos sa akin... sa araw mismo ng pasko...
reposted - originally created December 23 2004
natatandaan mo ba nung unang punta natin dito? muntik na kong mahulog nun dahil nadulas ako. buti na lang, mabilis ka. nahawakan mo ko at hinila pataas. kahit yakap mo na ako, matindi pa rin ang kaba ko. malakas pa rin ang kabog ng dibdib ko. sabi mo pa nga, kulang na lang eh umiyak ako. hindi ko kasi magawang kalmahin ang sarili ko eh...
naaalala mo rin ba yung unang gabi nating dalawa? dun din tayo, di ba? sinorpresa mo pa nga ako eh... dahil sa takot, maingat kong inakyat yung lugar natin. at pagdating sa taas, bumungad sa akin yung nilatag mong kumot, mga pagkaing gusto ko... mga kandila at tulips... inaya mo kong kumain. at pagkakain, magkatabi tayong nahiga.
alam mo, hindi ko makakalimutan yung gabing yun. andun tayo sa bubong ng bahay nyo... magkatabi... at parang mga batang naglalaro sa liwanag ng buwan. tinuro mo sa akin ang polaris... ang orion... itinuro mo rin sa akin yung iba pang constellations na nakikita sa langit...
sa lugar na ito, marami akong natutunan... dito din tayo nagbitaw ng pangako sa isa't isa. di ko makakalimutan yun... hanggang ngayon kasi, tumutupad pa rin ako sa mga pangako ko sa'yo... kaya lang...
bakit mo ko iniwan? bakit mo kinalimutan yung pangako mo? bakit ka umalis? bakit hindi mo ko hinintay?
alam kong masaya ka na ngayon. naiinis ako kasi pakiramdam ko, hindi mo man lang ako inisip... hindi mo ba alam na nasaktan ako sa pag-alis mo? alam mo bang hanggang ngayon, nananatili ako sa kahapon? hindi ko magawang harapin ang bukas dahil alipin pa rin ako ng nakalipas. wala akong magawa kundi ang alalahanin ka... ang isipin ka... ang balik-balikan ang lugar natin...
tatlong taon na ang lumipas... ikaw pa rin ang gusto kong makasama. magpapasko na. anibersaryo na naman... magta-tatlong taon na simula ng iwan mo ako... ikatlong pasko ko na 'tong wala ka sa tabi ko... tatlong taon na simula ng kunin ka ng Diyos sa akin... sa araw mismo ng pasko...
reposted - originally created December 23 2004
This Christmas
It’s all the same… the three, the lights, the decorations… Even the yuletide carols sung by the children are the same. The tune of a sad Christmas song filled my room… It’s ironic that I get to hear that song now. On this time of the year… it’s Christmas… Why be sad?
Then I remembered… I can’t be in glee with the whole world. How am I supposed to be happy when sadness fills my heart?
I stood up and opened the bottom drawer of my closet. There, I found the box containing my mementos and letters… lots of letter… I skimmed through them and a clover leaf fell. I picked it up and stared at it… it had withered.
Tears ran down my cheeks. They fell on the pile of letters… letters from him… with them is a beautifully crafted image of a phoenix, the legendary bird of fire… I kissed the phoenix as I reminisced on the day he gave that to me… on the 25th day of December.
It was almost a year ago but the scene is still vivid in my memory. This Christmas is different. I received nothing from him… he didn’t promise that he’d stay… like he used to do every Christmas…
This Christmas, he left…
reposted - originally created December 10 2004
Then I remembered… I can’t be in glee with the whole world. How am I supposed to be happy when sadness fills my heart?
I stood up and opened the bottom drawer of my closet. There, I found the box containing my mementos and letters… lots of letter… I skimmed through them and a clover leaf fell. I picked it up and stared at it… it had withered.
Tears ran down my cheeks. They fell on the pile of letters… letters from him… with them is a beautifully crafted image of a phoenix, the legendary bird of fire… I kissed the phoenix as I reminisced on the day he gave that to me… on the 25th day of December.
It was almost a year ago but the scene is still vivid in my memory. This Christmas is different. I received nothing from him… he didn’t promise that he’d stay… like he used to do every Christmas…
This Christmas, he left…
reposted - originally created December 10 2004
Memoirs of the Song
I could barely hear the carols as I walked down the lively street. The cool breeze brought chill in the air… it awakened a hurting ache I’ve borne inside me.
Everywhere I turned to, there were those dancing lights. A stab of pain caught me off guard as I remembered the past… it made me long for that time when I used to be happy. I closed my eyes and thought of that accident which changed my life.
It happened one cold and foggy night. The air's filled with songs sung by children’s voices. We’re on our high spirits and he was driving the car faster than the normal speed. We didn’t noticed that there was a child crossing the street. When we saw the child, it was only some feet away from us. Nathan was shocked, swerved the car to the right and lost control. I didn’t know what happened next. The next thing I remember, I woke up in the hospital room. A bandage was on my head. Then, I remembered Nathan and I started asking his mom about him. An unnerving fear washed over me as his mother closed her eyes and said nothing. It was then that I realized what happened to Nathan.
On that eve, Nathan and I met an accident. We slammed to a wall as Nathan avoided the child. Nathan’s car was fully wrecked, the police officer told me. I didn't want to believe what I’m hearing. I covered my ears and closed my eyes. I screamed as the officer told me about Nathan. What I heard from him was like a stab in my heart.
Nathan was dead. He died instantly. They found him covering me, protecting me from the tragic accident. He guarded me from the broken windshield. Some of the broken glass cut through his internal organs which caused his death.
I didn’t know what to do back then. I wanted to scream and curse God from taking Nathan away from me! Why am I this sad when I’m supposed to be happy?!
I was at this thought when I heard the song Nathan was singing for me on that Christmas Eve. The soft melody eased the tensions awakened by remembrance. It brought back Nathan’s words as he drove his car. He told me he’d always be beside me, guiding and guarding me against the angst I feel. Then, I remembered how he looked like when he sang that song. He was smiling… the kind of smile that I’ve never seen before…
After a while, I found myself singing that song, humming along the lines Nathan used to sing for me. After all this Christmas since Nathan died, it was only now that I’ve smiled. My eyes sparkled as tears brimmed. Nathan wasn’t really gone. He’s always with me… in my heart… I’ve got no regrets now.
As I head home, I realized that lonely Christmas Eves are now over. Nathan was God’s gift to me. I closed my eyes and smiled as Nathan’s words flashed in my memory. I know out there, he’s happy. I should be happy too. I know what I had been was far from what he had hoped for…
reposted - originally created December 7 2004
Everywhere I turned to, there were those dancing lights. A stab of pain caught me off guard as I remembered the past… it made me long for that time when I used to be happy. I closed my eyes and thought of that accident which changed my life.
It happened one cold and foggy night. The air's filled with songs sung by children’s voices. We’re on our high spirits and he was driving the car faster than the normal speed. We didn’t noticed that there was a child crossing the street. When we saw the child, it was only some feet away from us. Nathan was shocked, swerved the car to the right and lost control. I didn’t know what happened next. The next thing I remember, I woke up in the hospital room. A bandage was on my head. Then, I remembered Nathan and I started asking his mom about him. An unnerving fear washed over me as his mother closed her eyes and said nothing. It was then that I realized what happened to Nathan.
On that eve, Nathan and I met an accident. We slammed to a wall as Nathan avoided the child. Nathan’s car was fully wrecked, the police officer told me. I didn't want to believe what I’m hearing. I covered my ears and closed my eyes. I screamed as the officer told me about Nathan. What I heard from him was like a stab in my heart.
Nathan was dead. He died instantly. They found him covering me, protecting me from the tragic accident. He guarded me from the broken windshield. Some of the broken glass cut through his internal organs which caused his death.
I didn’t know what to do back then. I wanted to scream and curse God from taking Nathan away from me! Why am I this sad when I’m supposed to be happy?!
I was at this thought when I heard the song Nathan was singing for me on that Christmas Eve. The soft melody eased the tensions awakened by remembrance. It brought back Nathan’s words as he drove his car. He told me he’d always be beside me, guiding and guarding me against the angst I feel. Then, I remembered how he looked like when he sang that song. He was smiling… the kind of smile that I’ve never seen before…
After a while, I found myself singing that song, humming along the lines Nathan used to sing for me. After all this Christmas since Nathan died, it was only now that I’ve smiled. My eyes sparkled as tears brimmed. Nathan wasn’t really gone. He’s always with me… in my heart… I’ve got no regrets now.
As I head home, I realized that lonely Christmas Eves are now over. Nathan was God’s gift to me. I closed my eyes and smiled as Nathan’s words flashed in my memory. I know out there, he’s happy. I should be happy too. I know what I had been was far from what he had hoped for…
reposted - originally created December 7 2004
Where It Ached
Her whole body ached as blood flows from it. Finally, she’s feeling the peace she had wanted so much. The sharp blade of the dagger drips her blood… warm blood… her blood… She tried to smile as memories filled her senses… as her strength fades…
She remembered him as she drifted into unconsciousness. In her mind she saw him smiling at her, his eyes whispering silent promises. She felt her lips form a smile… It was as if she was at that moment again. In her sub-consciousness, she felt her hands reached for him. Just as she was about to, the vision faded. Her hands fell at her side.
The next image she saw was what had hurt her and caused her pain. She saw him leaving her alone… in that time when she needed him most. She was calling him again and again… He didn’t look her way. What he did was enough to make her insane.
He had caused her so much pain. She’d rather be insane than feel all the hurt he’d given her. Pain filled her heart. She was at lost. After months of loneliness and crying, she did what she thought was the best thing to do… She went to her apartment, took a knife and stabbed herself where it ached.
Tonight was that night… She could feel her life going weaker against each minute that passed. As she closed her eyes to accept what she had given to herself, she heard him speaking… His voice was inaudible, but she can sense that he was afraid. There were even tears from his face, falling to her face.
He was calling her… He was doing everything he can to stop the bleeding. She could hear him now… His words clear but frightened. He was asking her forgiveness. He was asking her to talk to him. She wanted to… She tried to open her mouth to speak but she had no more strength to do so… she heard him cry.
He was telling her to fight. With her remaining strength, she shook her head… lifted his fingers to his lips and whispered: “I love you…”
She gave him her forgiveness. She smiled when he held her hand and kissed her bloody palm. With that, she breathed her last…
reposted - originally created November 19 2004
She remembered him as she drifted into unconsciousness. In her mind she saw him smiling at her, his eyes whispering silent promises. She felt her lips form a smile… It was as if she was at that moment again. In her sub-consciousness, she felt her hands reached for him. Just as she was about to, the vision faded. Her hands fell at her side.
The next image she saw was what had hurt her and caused her pain. She saw him leaving her alone… in that time when she needed him most. She was calling him again and again… He didn’t look her way. What he did was enough to make her insane.
He had caused her so much pain. She’d rather be insane than feel all the hurt he’d given her. Pain filled her heart. She was at lost. After months of loneliness and crying, she did what she thought was the best thing to do… She went to her apartment, took a knife and stabbed herself where it ached.
Tonight was that night… She could feel her life going weaker against each minute that passed. As she closed her eyes to accept what she had given to herself, she heard him speaking… His voice was inaudible, but she can sense that he was afraid. There were even tears from his face, falling to her face.
He was calling her… He was doing everything he can to stop the bleeding. She could hear him now… His words clear but frightened. He was asking her forgiveness. He was asking her to talk to him. She wanted to… She tried to open her mouth to speak but she had no more strength to do so… she heard him cry.
He was telling her to fight. With her remaining strength, she shook her head… lifted his fingers to his lips and whispered: “I love you…”
She gave him her forgiveness. She smiled when he held her hand and kissed her bloody palm. With that, she breathed her last…
reposted - originally created November 19 2004
a friend's promise
promises are meant to be broken. i'm saying this because of the 20 years that i've lived my goddamn life as a forbidden child, none of the promises i've got came to life.
as a forbidden child, i've learned the hardships of life. and it was those promises... those broken promises... are the reasons why i've fight for my life.
stupid me... coz i believed those words. yet, it was my fuel. my food for survival. coz as a forbidden child, i have nothing with me... no love. no respect. no trust. just those promises that was given to me by those people who mattered to me.
but of all those promises, i've treasured those that came from my friends... my barkada. for me, it was their WORD. and i believed in their WORD of HONOR.
it was my friend's promise which currently fueled my existence. it was my friend's promise which kept me fighting inspite of my wishes to stop fighting.
but then...
my friend just broke his promise. now i'm back at my corner... to the quiet place where i, the forbidden child, would always belong...
reposted - originally created October 27 2004
as a forbidden child, i've learned the hardships of life. and it was those promises... those broken promises... are the reasons why i've fight for my life.
stupid me... coz i believed those words. yet, it was my fuel. my food for survival. coz as a forbidden child, i have nothing with me... no love. no respect. no trust. just those promises that was given to me by those people who mattered to me.
but of all those promises, i've treasured those that came from my friends... my barkada. for me, it was their WORD. and i believed in their WORD of HONOR.
it was my friend's promise which currently fueled my existence. it was my friend's promise which kept me fighting inspite of my wishes to stop fighting.
but then...
my friend just broke his promise. now i'm back at my corner... to the quiet place where i, the forbidden child, would always belong...
reposted - originally created October 27 2004
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Sentiments of a Forbidden Child
She was born out of foolishness, out of pleasure. She's not like the others who are born out of love. She was conceived coz they weren't careful... coz they allowed themselves to consummate their libido.
They were married... and she was given a name. The forbidden child now has two parents to look after her... to care for her. Years passed and she's got two younger siblings... no, make it three. The mother's currently pregnant.
The forbidden child grew up; feeling the false love her parents has for her. Why false love? Coz for every misfortune, for every problem that shatters the parent's marriage, she was being blamed. It wasn't put into surface until she reached her teens. At that age, she heard those words that caused her to question her own existence and the thing she called family.
"Kung hindi dahil sa'yo, hindi magiging kami!
Hindi sana ganito ang buhay ko!"
Such harsh words came from her parents' mouth. These words created confusion to the mind of the forbidden child. She started asking herself of her fault. Worse, she started to blame herself for the family's misfortune!
The forbidden child lived a difficult life... physical pain... emotional torments... sexual assaults. She sank deeper. She lost her self. She lost self-love... self-respect. She thought low of herself. She felt like nobody... co-existing with the people around her only to be hurt by them!
She's been alive for 20 years, and more than 7 months. But the problem's still there. She's still the same forbidden child her father detest, and her mother hated. She's still longing for the love and respect only those people can give. She's lost, knowing that she'll forever be the forbidden child.
And you know what? That forbidden child is me... Yep! Me!
reposted - originally created October 18 2004
They were married... and she was given a name. The forbidden child now has two parents to look after her... to care for her. Years passed and she's got two younger siblings... no, make it three. The mother's currently pregnant.
The forbidden child grew up; feeling the false love her parents has for her. Why false love? Coz for every misfortune, for every problem that shatters the parent's marriage, she was being blamed. It wasn't put into surface until she reached her teens. At that age, she heard those words that caused her to question her own existence and the thing she called family.
"Kung hindi dahil sa'yo, hindi magiging kami!
Hindi sana ganito ang buhay ko!"
Such harsh words came from her parents' mouth. These words created confusion to the mind of the forbidden child. She started asking herself of her fault. Worse, she started to blame herself for the family's misfortune!
The forbidden child lived a difficult life... physical pain... emotional torments... sexual assaults. She sank deeper. She lost her self. She lost self-love... self-respect. She thought low of herself. She felt like nobody... co-existing with the people around her only to be hurt by them!
She's been alive for 20 years, and more than 7 months. But the problem's still there. She's still the same forbidden child her father detest, and her mother hated. She's still longing for the love and respect only those people can give. She's lost, knowing that she'll forever be the forbidden child.
And you know what? That forbidden child is me... Yep! Me!
reposted - originally created October 18 2004
cry
she clutched herself tightly and rocked herself in silence. no one should see her cry... no one should see her misery...
it was dark outside her room. with each strike of lightning she could glimpse at her reflection on the mirror. she saw her swollen eyes, her hair in wild array... she saw how miserable she was...
thunder moaned and she shouted her anger. no one would hear her anyway. the drops of rain created a loud noise on the roof. she decided to went out... to feel the rain on her skin... to cry all she wanted to cry...
outside, she saw the dark clouds covering the sky. she looked up and felt the tingling sensation brought by the drops of rain. it caressed her soul... and brought a wry smile on her pale lips.
she let herself drown in the rain. this way, she could cry all she want. she could shed tears. no one would notice it. she cried... she didn't stopped. rain mingled with her tears. she tasted the rain... or was it her tears? she didn't know. she didn't want to know...
'coz all she wanted to do was cry...
reposted - originally created September 27 2004
it was dark outside her room. with each strike of lightning she could glimpse at her reflection on the mirror. she saw her swollen eyes, her hair in wild array... she saw how miserable she was...
thunder moaned and she shouted her anger. no one would hear her anyway. the drops of rain created a loud noise on the roof. she decided to went out... to feel the rain on her skin... to cry all she wanted to cry...
outside, she saw the dark clouds covering the sky. she looked up and felt the tingling sensation brought by the drops of rain. it caressed her soul... and brought a wry smile on her pale lips.
she let herself drown in the rain. this way, she could cry all she want. she could shed tears. no one would notice it. she cried... she didn't stopped. rain mingled with her tears. she tasted the rain... or was it her tears? she didn't know. she didn't want to know...
'coz all she wanted to do was cry...
reposted - originally created September 27 2004
You
You had been my sole inspiration… the only person who lifted me up from this pool of self-pity. You made me face my hidden fears. You taught me how to be strong. You made me feel emotions that I wouldn’t want to feel. You made me feel love.
I’m thankful for all the help you’ve given me… how you boosted my confidence… how you gave me the courage to face the unknown. But of all those help you’ve given me, there’s only one thing I won’t get tired of reminiscing. You taught and have given me love.
You know how much I hated that stupid feeling. You know how much I detest meddling in love. Yet, you made it look like it’s such an easy task… that it was an easy feeling to deal with. Everything I had feared before was gone. You taught me the joy of feeling those emotions that I’ve avoided for so long…
Time flew fast. I’ve learned a lot of things from you. I have fallen in love with you. But then, you’ve become cold… so cold that it was as if something bad was brewing… I felt sure of that.
My intuition had been right. You did something that left a mark on my whole being. You’ve hurt me. To love you was such a big mistake.
I’m still hurting about what happened. But now I know I can’t make you love me when you don’t. I can never make your heart feel something it won’t dare feel.
Come to think about it… you forgot to teach me something… one thing that is of so much importance. You forgot to teach me how to feel numb of pain.
reposted - originally created September 27 2004
I’m thankful for all the help you’ve given me… how you boosted my confidence… how you gave me the courage to face the unknown. But of all those help you’ve given me, there’s only one thing I won’t get tired of reminiscing. You taught and have given me love.
You know how much I hated that stupid feeling. You know how much I detest meddling in love. Yet, you made it look like it’s such an easy task… that it was an easy feeling to deal with. Everything I had feared before was gone. You taught me the joy of feeling those emotions that I’ve avoided for so long…
Time flew fast. I’ve learned a lot of things from you. I have fallen in love with you. But then, you’ve become cold… so cold that it was as if something bad was brewing… I felt sure of that.
My intuition had been right. You did something that left a mark on my whole being. You’ve hurt me. To love you was such a big mistake.
I’m still hurting about what happened. But now I know I can’t make you love me when you don’t. I can never make your heart feel something it won’t dare feel.
Come to think about it… you forgot to teach me something… one thing that is of so much importance. You forgot to teach me how to feel numb of pain.
reposted - originally created September 27 2004
place to belong
i held the memoir close in my heart and clutched it tightly. i can feel the beat of my own heart as i thought of the things that happened between us.
ive cherished and loved you in every way i know. i let you feel all the love i can give. you're so dear to me... i never wanted to let you go...
i held you tightly. like a child afraid to let go of something dear. indeed, it was like that. i was the child and you're my precious toy. like a child, i've been so possessive of you.
at first, it was okay. you never minded my possessiveness. you even seem to like it... but there are really instances when you got tired of me... i know you did although you never told me... never showed me... so...
i was really hurt when you left me. i felt numb as pain coursed my whole being. i ask you of the wrong i did. i even thought my love for you was not enough. it hurt me more when you told me the reason why you're leaving me...
i held you so tightly that you suffocated. you understand how much love i have for you but i must realize that loving someone doesn't necessarily mean that i don't have to let go.
people stay in our lives because they want to... because beside us is the place where they want to belong...
reposted - originally created September 27 2004
ive cherished and loved you in every way i know. i let you feel all the love i can give. you're so dear to me... i never wanted to let you go...
i held you tightly. like a child afraid to let go of something dear. indeed, it was like that. i was the child and you're my precious toy. like a child, i've been so possessive of you.
at first, it was okay. you never minded my possessiveness. you even seem to like it... but there are really instances when you got tired of me... i know you did although you never told me... never showed me... so...
i was really hurt when you left me. i felt numb as pain coursed my whole being. i ask you of the wrong i did. i even thought my love for you was not enough. it hurt me more when you told me the reason why you're leaving me...
i held you so tightly that you suffocated. you understand how much love i have for you but i must realize that loving someone doesn't necessarily mean that i don't have to let go.
people stay in our lives because they want to... because beside us is the place where they want to belong...
reposted - originally created September 27 2004
untitled
ang daya mo. iniwan mo na naman ako. nangako ka pang babantayan mo ko, di mo naman pala tutuparin. lagi ka na lang ganyan. mga pangako mo lang ang pinanghahawakan ko.
sabi mo, tutulungan mo ko. sabi mo, di mo ko papabayaan. eh nasaan ka na ngayon? di mo ba alam na ngayon kita kailangan? di mo ba alam na mas kailangan kita ngayon?
tuwing nadadapa ako, tinutulungan mo kong bumangon. pag malungkot ako, ikaw ang nagpapatawa sa akin. ikaw yung nagbabalik ng ngiti sa labi ko. ngayon, sagutin mo ko. paano ako babangon? paano ako ngingiti?
pag andyan ka, ang dami kong kayang gawin. mas madaling abutin lahat ng pangarap ko. kapag alam kong nasa likod lang kita, parang lahat ng bagay kaya kong harapin. ngayong wala ka, kahit simpleng bagay lang, nakakasakit na...
sa tulong mo, nagawa kong makita ang mga bituin sa lupa, sa pagtitiyaga mo, natuto akong tingnan ang mga bagay-bagay ng higit pa sa nakikita ng mga mata,
ngayong iniwan mo na ko, paano ako magiging matatag? wala nang magpapalakas ng loob ko. pilitin ko mang sabihin sa sarili ko na kaya ko, na andyan ka pa rin sa tabi ko, nahihirapan ako. siguro kakayanin ko kung nakapaghanda ako sa pag-alis mo. siguro kaya ko kung di naging biglaan yung pagkawala mo.
kinuha ka na nga nya agad sa akin, di ko man lang nagawang magpaalam sa'yo. i wasn't even able to see you for the last time. just when i found someone i could share my world with, god took him away.
sana andito ka... sana gawin mo pa rin yung mga bagay na madalas mong gawin...
sana, bukas o makalawa, magising ako sa bangungot na ito. sana, gisingin mo ako...
reposted - originally created July 4, 2005
sabi mo, tutulungan mo ko. sabi mo, di mo ko papabayaan. eh nasaan ka na ngayon? di mo ba alam na ngayon kita kailangan? di mo ba alam na mas kailangan kita ngayon?
tuwing nadadapa ako, tinutulungan mo kong bumangon. pag malungkot ako, ikaw ang nagpapatawa sa akin. ikaw yung nagbabalik ng ngiti sa labi ko. ngayon, sagutin mo ko. paano ako babangon? paano ako ngingiti?
pag andyan ka, ang dami kong kayang gawin. mas madaling abutin lahat ng pangarap ko. kapag alam kong nasa likod lang kita, parang lahat ng bagay kaya kong harapin. ngayong wala ka, kahit simpleng bagay lang, nakakasakit na...
sa tulong mo, nagawa kong makita ang mga bituin sa lupa, sa pagtitiyaga mo, natuto akong tingnan ang mga bagay-bagay ng higit pa sa nakikita ng mga mata,
ngayong iniwan mo na ko, paano ako magiging matatag? wala nang magpapalakas ng loob ko. pilitin ko mang sabihin sa sarili ko na kaya ko, na andyan ka pa rin sa tabi ko, nahihirapan ako. siguro kakayanin ko kung nakapaghanda ako sa pag-alis mo. siguro kaya ko kung di naging biglaan yung pagkawala mo.
kinuha ka na nga nya agad sa akin, di ko man lang nagawang magpaalam sa'yo. i wasn't even able to see you for the last time. just when i found someone i could share my world with, god took him away.
sana andito ka... sana gawin mo pa rin yung mga bagay na madalas mong gawin...
sana, bukas o makalawa, magising ako sa bangungot na ito. sana, gisingin mo ako...
reposted - originally created July 4, 2005
Last One to Cry
She sat in the shadows, motionless. Her mirthful eyes gleamed with unshed tears. She asked herself of all the things she did in the past that made her suffer.
The darkened corner had been her refuge. It listened to all her angst, her worries, her fears… the hall was her sole protector. She felt safe in that dark place.
She remembered the past… all her struggles.. all her triumphs and defeat. She had always been strong. She didn’t want to show how weak she was. She hid all her anger and pain. She never let anyone see through her façade.
She used to laugh at people who would cry because of their problems. For her, crying is a sign of weakness… of not having enough strength. She would never shed a tear. She was strong… she never needed anyone to have strength. Or so she thought… that was until she met him.
He came to know her… he became her confidante. She trusted him, up to the point of learning to love him. She was happy with him… until he left her.
He left a scar for her to heal. It still aches each time she remembers him. She never knew she could feel such numbing pain… he had always brought happiness to her. He let her believe that he loved her… but that faded all too soon… the pain he left her scathed her whole being.
The scar remained with her, reminding her of her mistake… of her loving him… Each time she remembered, the scar would be like a fresh wound… causing her to feel the same pain again and again.
Warm liquid raced down her cheeks. She touched it… her silence gave way to moans and sobs. She tasted the salt of tears and found the act stupid… unforgivable... she may never know it… but she has become the person she hated… and so it was her.
She was the last one to cry…
2005, reposted - originally created May 8
The darkened corner had been her refuge. It listened to all her angst, her worries, her fears… the hall was her sole protector. She felt safe in that dark place.
She remembered the past… all her struggles.. all her triumphs and defeat. She had always been strong. She didn’t want to show how weak she was. She hid all her anger and pain. She never let anyone see through her façade.
She used to laugh at people who would cry because of their problems. For her, crying is a sign of weakness… of not having enough strength. She would never shed a tear. She was strong… she never needed anyone to have strength. Or so she thought… that was until she met him.
He came to know her… he became her confidante. She trusted him, up to the point of learning to love him. She was happy with him… until he left her.
He left a scar for her to heal. It still aches each time she remembers him. She never knew she could feel such numbing pain… he had always brought happiness to her. He let her believe that he loved her… but that faded all too soon… the pain he left her scathed her whole being.
The scar remained with her, reminding her of her mistake… of her loving him… Each time she remembered, the scar would be like a fresh wound… causing her to feel the same pain again and again.
Warm liquid raced down her cheeks. She touched it… her silence gave way to moans and sobs. She tasted the salt of tears and found the act stupid… unforgivable... she may never know it… but she has become the person she hated… and so it was her.
She was the last one to cry…
2005, reposted - originally created May 8
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