heart vs. mind

i'm okay... that's what i kept telling myself. but a sudden thought from time to time would always make me long for him.

demn this heart who doesn't think... why can't the mind just dictate what the heart should feel? why does the heart keep on hoping and holding on when the mind's screaming of letting go?

i'm now saying that i'm moving on... will this be just a distant resolution to pull myself from this mess i'm in?

shout out

i hid in the shadows of pain when he left me

i tried to see the light but he wouldn't let me

now, i'm here by myself, abused and cold..

alone in the streets of my cruel world.

ayoko nang

ayoko nang makarinig
puro mga sumbat lang naman e
maramot at bihira ang papuri

ayoko nang makakita
wala na kasing maganda
lahat para sa akin ay pangit na

ayoko nang magsalita
nakakasakit lang daw ako e
masakit kasi malaman ang totoo

ayoko nang mangarap
mahirap mabigo at umasa
mahirap umahon kapag bumagsak na

ayoko nang mag-isip
puro na lang daw kasi utak.
di daw ba pwedeng puso naman?

ayokong mahulog ulet
nakakailang hulog na ba kasi ako?
sa lahat ng iyon, wla namang sumalo

pinaka-ayokong gawin ngayon...
makaramdam ng kahit anong damdamin
mas mabuti nang manhid kesa iyakin!

mumble...

'neath the thunder & the pourin rain
i could hear my cry of agony & pain
inspite of the bright lights surrounding me
i'm still in the shadows with nothin to see
this deafening silence makes me writhe
it makes me gasp for air, lose my breath

one thing im sure of

i drink a lot
i smoke too much
i do crazy things

one thing i'm sure of
i hate falling.

i'm too proud to beg
too selfish to share
i'm simply complicated

one thing i'm sure of
i hate crying.

i'd lie rather than be sincere
coz these pain's too shattering
hear me blabber about what i feel

coz there's only one thing i'm sure of
i've had enough of this!

for him who caused me pain

i've been stupid when i've let you dominate my fantasy
i've been crazy when i believed you'd stay

now i'm awake, thanks to the pain you've caused
the wounds have healed, the hurt have ceased

sanity has come back, reality's right here...

again.

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end of latest update...
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i used to think that i can take anything that would come my way...
but then, i've stumbled on you along the darkest path i took.
you made me fall, made a few wrong choices, then left me alone.

have been mending this broken sanity...
heck, you made me become what i am now.
don't blame me for the outcome.
blame yourself. you're the cause.

as i continue taking this path i chose,
remind me not to pick up the pieces you've left
i'd rather be broken... i'd rather feel the pain...
coz wen i'm broken, i'm wiser.

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end of first entry...
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my current state

been through a lot of helluva fights
hanged on for long, have decided to let go
felt the wonderful feeling of falling
and felt how it was to hit the ground

bones may be broken, but it'd heal
my body would endure the agony of pain
but my soul's a mess, i'm broken into pieces
my emotions the perfect victim

physical pleasure, emotional gamble
tiny things made my heart flutter
big things made my soul bleed
my being, just another empty shell