If the Shoe Fits

I hoped to be just like her:
She can make you smile.
She's on top of your list.

I wished to be her:
Whenever you look at her in the eye
And everytime you hold her hand.

...

For you, I can only take her place
If the shoe fits.

read my full post here.

At Lost

Everyone experienced reaching a crossroad.
It's at this point where we can't seem to decide which one to take.

I'm currently at lost and have posted a blog about it.
Read my post here.

New..

Are you the type who prepares? Or do you always find yourself cramming to meet a deadline?
Just recently, I posted about a deadline I've set for myself.
Read my deadline.

-*-

Do you have a friend who can tell you things honestly, even if it's going to hurt you?
Well, I have a friend like that. And he can really make me tick.
Earlier, we talked for more than an hour when he said something that made me think, in relation to my deadline.
So now, I'm still thinking about what he said. TG I have a friend like him!
A brutally honest guy who can say things that I've been ignoring. Read it here.

Takot Ako

May kinakatakutan pa rin talaga ako. Akala ko, unti-unti kong mahaharap lahat ng takot ko. Hindi pala. Hindi pala lahat ng takot ay dapat harapin. May ibang kailangang ipagpaliban muna.

Takot ako sa pusa. Dati, makarinig lang ako ng "meow" nito, natitigilan ako. Kapag may dumaan sa harapan ko, napapahinto ako. Hanggang ngayon, ganun pa rin. Pero ngayon, kaya ko ng dumiretso kapag nakakita ako nito. Naaalis ko na ba ang mga takot ko sa pusa? Pwedeng oo, pwedeng hindi. Siguro, ayos lang sa akin ang makita o makarinig ng huni niya. Wag lang siyang lalapit, ibang usapan na yun.

Takot din pala ako sa dugo. Hematophobic ako. Ito ang rason bakit hindi ako sa larangan ng medisina kahit gusto ko yun. Makakita lang ako ng dugo, hinihimatay ako... Kahit nga nung naglaslas ako, mainit sa pakiramdam ang paglabas niya sa aking katawan... pero nung nakita ko na ang dugo ko sa sahig, hinimatay ako. Huling pagtatangka, pasko ng taong 2002...

At ang isa sa nakapagdudulot sa akin ng matinding takot? Hindi hayop, bagay, o pangyayari. Sa katunayan, muli akong sinasaniban ng takot. Bumalik kasi siya. Siya na ilang beses ko nang iniwasan at tinaguan. Muling nauulit ang siklo naming dalawa.

Kung hanggang kailan itong takot ko, wala akong ideya. Ayoko siyang harapin. Masyadong masakit at nakakatakot ang mga nagawa niya dati sa akin.

Kung bakit pa kasi nangyari yun, di sana, kaibigan ko pa rin siya hanggang ngayon. Di sana ako tulad sa isang daga na kung saan-saang lungga pumapasok.

Emotions on the Run 2

I had a lot of awful days last week. It kind of started okay… Laughter and peace dominated the first few days… Mid-week, I started getting bad news, one-by-one.

Thursday night, I thought things will be okay. Come Friday, I started to hate the entire week. I won’t go into much detail about it. But because of what happened that day, I am slowly losing respect for someone.

My weekend turned out to be semi-okay. Thanks to alcohol and friends, there’s not much whining… TG!

Last Week

I've been busy last week in my training for bar tending. We've had our competition last week and our goal was to make 20 mixes in 15 minutes. Since I'm in no mood to memorize a lot of mixes, I was just able to make 15 mixes. Not bad since most of the mixed drinks I made requires shaking them...

Aside from that bar tending thingy, I decided to read all top ten entries in Chico Garcia's blog site. I'm a fan of RX 93.1 and Chico and Delle so I always make it a point to listen every morning from 6:00-10:00 AM, Monday til Friday (before it's 6:00-9:00AM, Monday til Saturday). If I'm not mistaken, the last entries I've read was mid-May... so there's quite a lot of blogs/top ten entries to read. I finally finished them last Saturday.

Then, I decided to review. I have already started making a reviewer but the lure of television and internet made me stop from doing one. I ended up covering only half of what I should read/review for our exam today. The result? Blank answers and most of my answers were mere guesses. *lol*

There's still two more exams before our graduation in Hotel and Restaurant Services. So I have to do good on the remaining exams to redeem myself.. he he

D*mn!

Yes, I still need to go back tomorrow..
3 more signatures for my clearance (a different one!).

I'm so hating the process...

Good thing, one of my former colleague invited me to drink...

Thanks to Red Horse, though today's a d*mned day, I still feel good...

And tomorrow, it's another d*amn day!

Screwed!

Ever had that feeling that nothing's going right and it's gonna be a very bad day? Well, though I'm happy 'coz of my forthcoming freedom, I felt so bad today.

I'm supposed to process my clearance from work today, but then 2 of my signatories were absent from work. Damn!

So tomorrow, I still have to go back to work... Just when I thought I am almost free to go...

Ho-Hum!

I still have 2 more days...

My resignation from Maersk is effective July 15. Since I've already used all my Vacation Leave credits, I still have to report for work from July 13 to 14.

Actually, I don't want to go there anymore. I already find it too tiring to wake up early, go to school and then to work... Besides, there's nothing much to be done. I just need to ask 4-5 persons to have my clearance cleared.

As I'm slowly counting the days, I can't help but to feel both excitement and regret... Excitement 'coz I will now be able to focus more on my training.. Regret 'coz I won't be seeing some friends anymore.

I resigned to achieve my personal growth. But in going after that, I will be letting go of my work and leave some friends behind. :(

This Day's Rants...

- I'm still a little dizzy tonight. Will I be able to have some good sleep? Or will I be awake 'til tomorrow morning?

- F***! I'm still in the second chapter of the book I'm currently reading. I always get sleepy reading Umberto Eco's Foucault's Pendulum. Will I be able to finish it this month?

- I'm craving for a super cold soft drinks... I ended up drinking just plain old iced tea 'coz of hyper acidity *as if Iced Tea isn't acidic at all!*.

- I'm frustrated tonight. A promise was not fulfilled... I was actually looking forward to that promise. *Damn!*

- I'm sick and frustrated. If only cursing can take away all these negative feelings...

An Update

@work:
I have submitted my resignation letter.. effective July 15

@home:
I have discussed my plans with my mom..

@training:
3 more service to go before wine mixing starts! I can't wait! *lol*

@blog:
I will create a new URL for my blogs... I'll just transfer them.

@personal life:
What the h*** is that? *lol*

Rant...

I'd rather quit than keep on fighting someone who can do more damage to me.
It's better to get out and keep my cool than stay and accept insanity.

21 years, and almost two weeks

different thoughts broke the silence of my senses while i was smoking. i was trying to clear my mind of things that's been haunting me for the past years of my existence... but my efforts were lost when that thought crossed my mind.

i have been living my life for 21 years, and almost two weeks... and was there anything i've done that i could be proud of? heck, i tried to force myself to smile when i suddenly thought of that stupid question...

honestly, i have tried to plan things for myself. but my plans were nothing but whimsical dreams i have woven for myself to believe in. plans which were mere reasons for me to stay in this mortal realm where pain is more likely to be felt.

yep... pain. the kind of pain that shatters the soul... the inner being that lies deep beneath a person. the same pain that has taught me to be what i am right now.

21 years and pain still fuels my will to stand up and never give up. all for the hope that one day, i wouldn't feel it. thinking that i could get numb of it.

who would have thought that at this point, i am at the brink of losing my grip of reality? all those years, i was able to fool people around me. i was able to let them see that i was happy... that i was smiling. they didn't know that those smiles were nothing but masks that is pasted to make others believe that i'm okay. those who were able to see behind that mask left me for according to them... i am "melancholy" in its mortal form...

that's enough. i couldn't just go on and bare myself to you. you know me enough to see that these thoughts would lead to another set of questions, realisms, and hopes that would or might fuel my existence for the coming year...

besides, i still need to light another cigarette...

2005, reposted - originally created March 19

place to belong

i held the memoir close in my heart and clutched it tightly. i can feel the beat of my own heart as i thought of the things that happened between us.

ive cherished and loved you in every way i know. i let you feel all the love i can give. you're so dear to me... i never wanted to let you go...

i held you tightly. like a child afraid to let go of something dear. indeed, it was like that. i was the child and you're my precious toy. like a child, i've been so possessive of you.

at first, it was okay. you never minded my possessiveness. you even seem to like it... but there are really instances when you got tired of me... i know you did although you never told me... never showed me... so...

i was really hurt when you left me. i felt numb as pain coursed my whole being. i ask you of the wrong i did. i even thought my love for you was not enough. it hurt me more when you told me the reason why you're leaving me...

i held you so tightly that you suffocated. you understand how much love i have for you but i must realize that loving someone doesn't necessarily mean that i don't have to let go.

people stay in our lives because they want to... because beside us is the place where they want to belong...

reposted - originally created September 27 2004

untitled

ang daya mo. iniwan mo na naman ako. nangako ka pang babantayan mo ko, di mo naman pala tutuparin. lagi ka na lang ganyan. mga pangako mo lang ang pinanghahawakan ko.

sabi mo, tutulungan mo ko. sabi mo, di mo ko papabayaan. eh nasaan ka na ngayon? di mo ba alam na ngayon kita kailangan? di mo ba alam na mas kailangan kita ngayon?

tuwing nadadapa ako, tinutulungan mo kong bumangon. pag malungkot ako, ikaw ang nagpapatawa sa akin. ikaw yung nagbabalik ng ngiti sa labi ko. ngayon, sagutin mo ko. paano ako babangon? paano ako ngingiti?

pag andyan ka, ang dami kong kayang gawin. mas madaling abutin lahat ng pangarap ko. kapag alam kong nasa likod lang kita, parang lahat ng bagay kaya kong harapin. ngayong wala ka, kahit simpleng bagay lang, nakakasakit na...

sa tulong mo, nagawa kong makita ang mga bituin sa lupa, sa pagtitiyaga mo, natuto akong tingnan ang mga bagay-bagay ng higit pa sa nakikita ng mga mata,

ngayong iniwan mo na ko, paano ako magiging matatag? wala nang magpapalakas ng loob ko. pilitin ko mang sabihin sa sarili ko na kaya ko, na andyan ka pa rin sa tabi ko, nahihirapan ako. siguro kakayanin ko kung nakapaghanda ako sa pag-alis mo. siguro kaya ko kung di naging biglaan yung pagkawala mo.

kinuha ka na nga nya agad sa akin, di ko man lang nagawang magpaalam sa'yo. i wasn't even able to see you for the last time. just when i found someone i could share my world with, god took him away.

sana andito ka... sana gawin mo pa rin yung mga bagay na madalas mong gawin...

sana, bukas o makalawa, magising ako sa bangungot na ito. sana, gisingin mo ako...

reposted - originally created July 4, 2005